Their Trauma Is Not Your Homework

Can someone be deeply wounded, deserving of compassion, and still not be desirable to have in your life?

In this episode, we dive into the complicated space between empathy and self-respect. We explore what happens when understanding someone's trauma becomes the reason we tolerate behavior that continually hurts us. From family dynamics and boundary setting to vulnerability, accountability, and healing, we unpack the reality that compassion does not require self-sacrifice.

We share personal stories about difficult relationships, criticism, emotional triggers, and the lessons that come from learning to honor our own needs. We discuss the difference between holding space for someone and becoming their emotional dumping ground, why hurt people sometimes hurt people, and how to recognize when a relationship is taking more from you than it gives.

Most importantly, we explore the idea that understanding someone's wounds does not obligate you to absorb the consequences of them. Boundaries are not a punishment. They are an act of self-love. Sometimes growth means staying. Sometimes growth means walking away. And sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is stop abandoning yourself in the name of understanding someone else. 

Key Takeaway:
You can have compassion for someone's pain without giving them unlimited access to your life. Understanding their story does not mean tolerating behavior that diminishes your peace, your well-being, or your sense of self.

💫 Email us at theunhingedintuitives@gmail.com for questions, comments, or topic requests, we would love to hear from you!

🌿 Work with Jane-Marie: www.transformativehealings.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Can someone be deeply wounded, deserving a compassion, and still not be safe for you to have in your life? I'm Carrie. And I'm Jane. Welcome to Unhinged, the Intuitive Weirdos, the podcast for people doing the inner work while still very much being human.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Here we will explore deep topics that encourage our growth and mental health. No gurus, no dogma, just navigating through life's asteroids while trying not to spill your coffee on your morning commute. Just exploring with curiosity where we fit into the whole cosmic puzzle.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Welcome, weirdos. Today we're going to be discussing a few things. And I apologize for my voice. I'm getting over a cold, but hopefully you can suffer through it. The first thing I wanted to do was a PSA. For those of you who haven't listened to the first episode, we are not your typical energy healers. If you feel like people who curse are phony asses and full of shit, this space might not feel safe for you. And that is perfectly okay if you can hang in and get beyond a healthy dose of fucks on the side. You might find yourself here to enjoy. So with that, Carrie, can you start us off with your reading?

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Sure thing. So I asked, what is the most powerful thing for the collective who's going through some healing to hear? And two cards came out of the different sides of the deck at the same time. So I'm like, okay, must be a message there. And um I've got the Woodland Wardens deck by Jessica Roo. And the first one that came out was the quail and the gooseberry, which is anticipation. Fresh gooseberries are a tempting treat, but pick them without care and you might hurt yourself. Gooseberry bushes are loaded with thorns meant to protect the delicate fruit within. Similarly, the quail anticipates danger by hiding among low-growing vegetation. From its obscured perch, it keeps careful watch, monitoring for predators. So the event or outcome you've anticipated is about to occur. Take advantage of your foreknowledge, preparing for what's to come. And the questions for reflection on that are Am I often surprised or caught off guard by how things turn out? And how can I balance vigilance with a healthy openness to risk? Interesting. And the other one was the Moth and the Eucalyptus, which is which features the Death Head Moth. The moth and the eucalyptus are at number 13 for a reason. It mirrors the meaning of the death card in a traditional tarot deck. The death card rarely indicates literal death, but rather marks an ending of some kind and provides us with the knowledge and the power to let go. The moth shown here is the death's head mock, named for the unique skull-like marking on its back. The death's head is nocturnal and, like all moths, it flies towards the light. Eucalyptus is a symbol of protection, as the oil from this plant can be used to guard against and soothe a variety of ailments. So an ending is imminent. This could mean the end of a relationship, a hobby, or an interest, a job, or any number of things. While endings sometimes mark loss, they don't always. And even if we do experience grief, we have the power to emerge from it with a better understanding of ourselves. So how can I be more accepting of change? And what tools do I have that might help me feel safe and protected when a change occurs in my life?

SPEAKER_00 3:23

There we go. What was the part where it was balance between vigilance and what?

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Oh, the first card. Let me see. Anticipation, probably. Let me see.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

I think so. Yeah, it was. Uh yeah, balance between vigilance and anticipation. I think that is so apropos for what we're speaking about today. Um, even though I said that really weird. Because I think sometimes when we are built on a shaky foundation, it's hard to feel safe of what's to come. And we could put up very strong walls, right? So there's like this really fine balance between how much are we anticipating others are potentially going to hurt us if we open up? And how much do we just have to allow and trust that new can come in and something different than what has been experienced?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

You know, that kind of brings up the question for me of how do you know when it's not a safe situation anymore? Right. Because normally when you enter into a relationship, you're feeling pretty safe, right? I mean, if there was like an imminent danger, you're not gonna, you know, you're not gonna strike up a relationship with somebody who's holding you at knife point in the park, right? Like, hey buddy, you're looking good, yeah, right? Like that's that's not how that is, right? But um, so yeah, so how how is it that you even recognize that the situation that you're in, the relationship or whatever, um, doesn't feel safe for you anymore.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

So, okay, that's interesting. And all the first thing that comes to mind is boundaries. Like you have to know your personal boundaries. And I think being willing to open up, being willing to open up yourself that yes, okay, we're not gonna go with the person holding the knife saying come here or get in the get in the van for. Okay, Daddy. Those ones should be pretty, pretty obvious. But we we also have to trust that it's okay to know people because we trust ourselves enough to have strong boundaries in what we're gonna tolerate in others, right? So, with that for mine, I did a channeled message and I said, How can we hold compassion for someone's wounds without abandoning ourselves in the process? This is one where it depends on boundaries. How much are you willing to accept and how much are you willing to put others before your well-being? There are some people who come into this world and have an atrocious thing that happen to them, yet they are able to transmute that into something beautiful and help others as a result, or at the very least, have a lot more self-awareness. Then there are those who have been hurt and they think it is their right to hurt others, not on a conscious level many times, but the example of the worker who has been hazed at work and not given any help. So then when the new hires come in, they feel it's only fair to treat those behind them the same instead of having compassion and seeing that they can't change what happened to them, but they can make it better for those who come after them. Then there are the people who have so much pain that they think they are able to treat people however they want, and others are supposed to understand. Their words come out with barbs and they do not see the pain they cause, but they are not able to because this world is a scary place that has caused so much hurt for them that all they can see is the potential of others to hurt them at any moment. There is a fine line between self-preservation and using caution versus lashing out at others over perceived differences because you need to hurt them before they can hurt you. The difference is to know your boundaries. What are you willing to tolerate and not tolerate? Then speak those boundaries from the heart. You get to decide how many times, if at all, you will let others violate your boundaries. But ultimately, if you are having to hold on to pain to stay in a relationship, or if you're not able to express yourself safely, these are the times where it is taking more from you than it is worth. You're giving away a piece of you to some for someone else's comfort. Standing in your own self-worth and putting up boundaries is self-love. But it does not mean it is always going to be easy. You have to advocate for you. So choose from a space of love and compassion and cut the ties if they are taking pieces of you and diminishing your light.

SPEAKER_01 7:44

Wow. You know, the the thing that really sticks out for me is an understanding of how, well, for me, how I understand whether my environment my boundaries are being violated is in that vulnerability space, right? So if I'm being vulnerable and, you know, the reaction isn't one of compassion, you know, I mean, everybody's gonna react differently, right? And they're gonna have different levels of compassion and things like that. But if it's one where I'm expressing something and it's initially, it's initially met with, oh, all right, oh, dang, you know, that that kind of sucks. Okay, you know, but then later on, that information or that um that discussion is, you know, kind of twisted against me, or you know, that type of thing. I'm like, that's not a safe space. But I, you know, it took me a long time to recognize those types of things, you know, when they were happening. So yeah, but when it finally came down to it, when I got to a point like, okay, this when I'm vulnerable, I really do need um people around me who are going to be able to hold that and say, dang, you're going through some shit right now, and I'm really sorry. And um, you know, here's do you want an ear or do you want this, do you want something solved? Or like, what do you need? Like what's what's what's the solution right now for you, you know? Yeah. So that and surrounding myself with people like that nowadays is has just made the world of difference for me.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Well, and I think when someone's holding space for you, it doesn't mean that you're allowed to just like toxically g on them. Yeah, exactly. Or lash out on them and expect them to take whatever because that's how you feel it's appropriate to express yourself. It's more like they're just there for you to go through it and they shouldn't have to take on your shit. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

100%. Yeah, you know, and it's like, and I've been in situations where, you know, I have been on the receiving end of that, yet the communication was not um presented as such, you know, and it's like I I've got a long fuse and a deep well, right? So I'm able to tolerate quite a bit. Um, you know, but I finally got to, you know, it really took me a long time to realize what's healthy for me to receive and what's healthy for me to give, right? And for me, in my mind, I'm always working towards compassionate communication, right? And obviously, because I'm a human, it's not always going to come out that way, right? Like I've sent my fair share of angry emails and you know, and just like not handled things well, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:21

So it's funny because recently, and this is where obviously the idea for this episode came out was um last week I got some feedback that our cursing on here was very offensive. And this is from someone who had been estranged, and we should have known each other when it was like a child-adult relationship, but they came into my life as an adult, getting to know me as an adult, but I think only seeing me still as a child. So I I I'm guessing that's my you know perception, but I tried to play off the criticism as like, oh, hey, thanks for the feedback, but you know, like I'm gonna do me. And that was not met how I anticipated it. It sparked so much anger, and the anger just started getting amped up, where it turned into calling me racial slurs, calling me a lot of things where I just, you know, I had heard that instead of giving someone a long-winded explanation when you're hurt, you can simply say, Hey, I'm hurt. And so I thought, oh, here, look how much growth I've had. Here's a perfect example right now.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

I'm so noble.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

I'm I'm getting so worked up. I'll just respond with I'm hurt. And mind you, this is also through tech, so not like the best medium, but my I'm hurt was basically met with shut up, fucking millennial, and your stupid emotions. I'm paraphrasing.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

Wasn't that really and I was like, oh, that worked well. Oh my god, that sounds like a Gen X you were talking to. We have no room for your emotions on this silly planet.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

I think actually they're a baby boomer, but um, but so I even with that, I was like, okay, look at the new me. Like, I don't have to be a cunty McCunterton and respond in kind, I can just go silent, right?

unknown 12:21

Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

So then I'm sitting there and I'm trying to think, like, okay, how am I gonna apply my boundaries later? And like, because I've already said, hey, could we just like in the future, um, if we disagree, not name call, right? So boundary set. And then four hours later, I'm met with because the texting ended with, oh, I'm not angry like you millennial, like, get over it, right? And then like four hours later, I get this like passive aggressive Googling on how you know Reiki masters shouldn't curse and have foul language, and I'm and it's proving they're you know, calling me a phony ass full of shit. And I was just like, Goodness, I was like, okay, I guess there's no more space for boundaries to be crossed. Like, I don't think you can put up boundaries with somebody like that.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Well, you know, I don't know. I I would say, hey, thank you for that, and I'm just still gonna keep doing me. And however you however you deal with that is how you deal with it. And I'm still I feel comfortable feeling, you know, doing and being my fully expressed self. Yeah, and that's what works for me, and that's what I'm gonna do. So, I mean, I'm not making you stay here and listen to this, right? Like you you have free will, you can do whatever you want, and you know, but you know, name-calling me and all this type of thing is not is not allowed. So, yeah, you know, I'm not gonna be communicating with you, and I'm just gonna continue to be who I am, how I'm gonna be, how I see fit.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

So that's one mature way to handle it. The way I handled it was I hope you get the healing and help you need block. So clearly, we can see, like, I don't know if that's the healthiest way, but obviously that's like my go-to. I keep like hitting the banhammer so easily, but that's what I think. We have to, and here's the thing: what's so sad is I still have so much love and compassion for this person. I just don't have space for being treated like that. I don't know how to waste energy trying to be like, hey, again, that hurt my feelings, you know, because I don't have space for them to come back and be like, you're fucking moron, fuck your feelings.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

And that's why. Oh my God. Well, you know, for me, it feels like it's two separate worlds, right? Like, I, you know, doing all of this work and healing the wounds and the trauma and the this and the that and whatever, whatever. And how does that um how does that impact your day-to-day world? How do we handle people who we thought were going to, yeah, I don't know, just whatever expectations we had of them, you know, and then they come back like how you had through these text exchange, right? Or you know, whatever, or the situations that I'm dealing with, like with my insurance and all these other people that are just been roadblock after roadblock after roadblock, right? It's like these are the day-to-day situations where we um have the opportunity to practice all of these things that we've been training for, right? Like all of the healing, all the forgiveness, all the compassion, all the whatever, whatever, right? Um, yeah, and and for you, it it seems to come across as more of like a boop boundary, like my boundary is a fucking Fort Knox wall, no getting in, good luck, toodles, bitches, right? Whereas mine lately has been I'm getting frustrated at people in situations where I know I could fix this within five minutes if I were the one that was in control of whatever. Yet I'm not, so I can't. So I'm spinning out of control and losing my mind and not having compassion for myself. I'm not having compassion for the situation as a whole. I'm not, you know, stepping back. I'm I'm allowing myself to get all like spun up and you know, pissed off. And now I've got a headache and now I forgot to eat lunch and now and so everything's tanking and I'm just having a shift, you know, and it's like I'm allowing that. I'm allowing that to happen. And that's not healthy for, and then when I finally catch myself, I'm like, fuck, I know better, I know better, I know better. But then that sets off a whole other, you know, downhill rolling of just like of not having compassion for myself again for having an actual human moment, right? Like we're gonna have stuff like this that happens. Like I was thinking about this the other day. Even Buddhas, right? Those most enlightened here on earth, they still, you know, overdraw on their bank account, they still lose their keys, they still stub their toe, they still, you know, run into people and you know, whatever, nasty people out in public or whatever, right? Like they still get a little dent in their car. They're still gonna have to deal with things on this daily life that are going to be an irritant, right? And it's like, okay, that that kind of made me feel a little bit better that, you know, we are all just human and there is no perfection. The imperfection is the perfection, right? Like it's it's it's you're gonna have, no matter how smooth and wide and flat your path is, you're still always gonna have like a little handful of thorns and a couple of pebbles and that type of stuff like thrown in the way. And just it's up to us to be able to handle that shit, you know, with some grace and god knows what else.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Well, I think too, you know, as cliche as it is, I really do see like my feral 40s are more really starting to like come out, right? Like I'm gonna be 40, I'm gonna be 43 here in like two weeks. And I just am like, I am done putting myself last. Like my my child is like, you know, my my my safety mask first. I really need to take care of myself, and then my child is right there. Like we are the number one in my world, and then friendships and healthy and nurturing that. But I have for so long put other people's comfort before mine at the expense of my well-being, that I do think that the Fort Knox is up there because I had tried it the other way for so long. And who knows? Maybe I'll relax it, maybe I'll put down, you know, the gate over the moat. But for right now, like the fucking crocodiles are swimming around me and I am okay. I am I'm okay with that because I don't have I don't have the emotional capacity to hold somebody else's hand in just pure meanness being spewed out of their mouth. And I can also hold compassion for this is probably happening because of your youth. And so somebody disagreeing with you feels as real as a saber-toothed tiger trying to chase after you. But that is not my responsibility to help heal you or to stand there and take that.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

Right, both, absolutely, you know, and it's like here's the thing like people are, you know, I've this has been said many times in many ways, right? But you're not responsible for what happened to you, right? But you are responsible for the aftermath of that. You are responsible for how you react to it and how you uh how you react to others when that initial wound is is triggered, right? And that's where the compassion comes in because you know that I don't know, whatever percentage of these of people out on the planet are walking around as a wounded six-year-old who got pushed off the swing, right? Skin to their knee, and then now they took that to mean I don't mean anything to anybody. And so now they have to just like a sprinkler, just spray it on everybody, right? So, you know, that's you're right. You know, you compassion for what happened, but you're not allowed to take your wounds and just dump them on me like that without asking me, hey, do you have space for me to vent? Versus uh let me just you know, yeah, verbally, you know, diarrhea all over you.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Well, and I think the saying hurt people, hurt people, yeah, I can completely have compassion for that while at the same time having no tolerance for the bullshit of not doing the inner work.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

And I think, especially where the planet is right now with all the fucking fuckery around us, everybody should take more inventory of what's going on inside rather than looking outside. Like I think right now is a great time to go internal and just kind of take like take space. I know for me, part of why this boundary, you know, especially this one, is I realize I haven't really had permission to feel. And on top of being very like airy, I have so many Gemini placements, I didn't realize how how often I actually thought about my feelings more than feeling it. And so now, and this definitely comes from decades of not being able to feel, and even when I tried to experience that, others would tell me that I was wrong. Um I think I have zero tolerance for people telling me, you know, who I am if if I feel like that is projection.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

No, absolutely. That's and I'm right there with you, you know. It's like, no, no, no, you don't you don't want to go that you don't want to go there, you don't want to do that, you don't you don't feel that way. No, that's not how that happened. That's you know, fully gaslighting, you know, my feelings and my experiences and that type of thing. And it's like, no, motherfucker, I actually do feel this way. Way. You know, and it's like, you're so bent on, you know, making sure that your story is the correct story to keep me in this little mold of how you think I should be, that, you know, and I allowed that to happen many times, you know, that it's it's not it's not a true, full expressed version of me. And that goes back again to the the safety of of vulnerability, right? Of being able to be vulnerable and say things and express myself, express my feelings, and you know, I'm hurt, or you know, this this wasn't right, or you know, that type of thing, and then just you know, whatever being told, eh, that's that's all right, you're you're overreacting, you're you know, whatever, you know. But I mean, nowadays, yeah, I know better.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

And at what point does the understanding someone's trauma become an excuse for tolerating behavior that harms us? Wait, say that again. At what point does someone like understanding someone else's trauma become an excuse for tolerating their behavior that harms us?

SPEAKER_01 23:04

That's again, well, that's what you said in the beginning is that's where you really have to know your boundaries, right? Like what's the difference between venting and continual like chronic complaining, right? You know, and it's like I I know people now who, you know, who are very good, kind people, yet um this this one friend in particular, you know, yet she has a continual habit and pattern of the same type of situations in her life happening again and again and again and again, you know. And it's like when when we first started getting close and whatever, you know, we would talk about these things, and um, she would ask me things, and I would just tell her what I thought of, well, yeah, well, it looks like this and this. And if it were me, because I don't know what you're gonna do, you do you. All I know is what I would do, right? This is what I would do in this situation, right? Um, there you go. Oh my God, that's so great. Wow, that's I love it. Thank you. You know, I think I'm gonna go do that. I'm like, okay, well, do or don't. I mean, I just you ask. So that's why I'm saying it. I'm not ever gonna come out and tell you, hey, your life is fucked. Let me let me fix it for you, right? As much as this Virgo wants to, right? But but you know, but it after the, you know, as the as time went by, um, the same situations and she'd come back to me again and again and again with the same types of things. And I'm like, this isn't working. You know, it's like, number one, I'm not your therapist, right? And it's like, I do have compassion for your situation and for your wounds and for your history and for your current situations and situations, plural, right? Yet I'm not going to fix it. I can't fix it. You are the one that's gonna have to take some action steps in your own life in order to um see a different result, you know, and you keep doing the same thing over and over again again, you know. And I I can't, I can't help you with, you know, breaking up with your man and then getting back together and breaking up with your man and getting back together and all is like whatever, no, all the drama that comes with with all that, you know. It's like I can't, that's that's kind of on you at this point, you know.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

I think sometimes when we're wounded so much, it's easy to go back to those shitty relationships or absolutely easy to attract similar, same, same but different life, different body, yeah. Yeah, and I think what's hard is there is a fine balance between being a victim and like also realizing, oh fuck, I'm here, I say this often, but I'm the common denominator. Maybe now I need to fix what's going on within me since I can't control what's going on in others.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Well, how do you get to that point? How do you spark that curiosity with within someone? You know, how how does somebody get to that point? Yeah, how do they get to the point where they're just like, I've had enough? Like this, this is dumb. Like, I am not able to sleep, and this is the same shit again and again and again. And how much of this do I have to swallow before I finally like realize it's poison?

SPEAKER_00 26:07

So I think that is everyone's individual journey. If someone told me, hey, this is what's broken with you, I would give double fingers and I would say, fuck off, right? Like, because if you're not ready to heal it, you're not ready to like if you're not ready to hear it, how can you heal it? Absolutely. And then on the other side of that is I think it is knowing that there's always something different out there. You know, I go back to my 20s, I used to have a mindset that like any enemy or any enemy of my friend's enemy is my enemy too, you know? And right, right, and that expectation if somebody wronged me and I wasn't gonna talk to them, how dare my family want to talk to them? Now, as I've gotten older, I realize that's fucking dumb. Like I don't get to control anyone else's relationships, and like it really did come from a lack of being able to communicate, and that's where I used to cut people out. Now I cut them out for the right reasons, but but back then, um obviously this is a common theme, and I'm obviously the common denominator in the banhammer. I also find the irony in that as I am talking, right? But I think that's what it is, is it's like, okay, you have to take the self-inventory and you have to be ready. Because if somebody else points it out, like I don't think you're gonna arrive at the same healing point. Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you do you really do have to have this inquiry, you know, you'd come to it yourself, you know.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Yeah, yeah. Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer because you understood why someone behaved that way? Oh, absolutely. How did that work out for you?

SPEAKER_01 27:54

Yeah, you know, plenty, plenty of different relationships because of that. And it's like, I don't know, being hyper aware as a kid, you know, I was able to see all of this like in pretty much every person walking, right? I'm like, oh my god, wow, like you're angry, you know, this way, you know, and you're sad this way, and that's how it comes out. And it's like, I get it because I understand what it's like so deeply to be so angry and so sad, and so this and so that, right? Um, so yeah, that really, you know, because of that initial compassion that I have, um, it did allow for number one, I was never taught any boundaries and how to have them and you know, that type of thing. And then it just allowed for a lot of not only, you know, predatory relationships or um, you know, people who just they know what they're doing, but they don't give a shit, right? Type of thing. Um, you know, that type of thing. So for me, it was it all came down to a point where I'm like, this doesn't fit for me. Like I'm contorting myself and bending myself and trying to make myself so small and fit over here just so that, you know, and walk on eggshells just so that you can have the comfortable path, you know. But in in doing so, I wasn't that wasn't reciprocal, right? Like I wasn't getting that same level of support back. Um, and then when I needed it, you know, these people are like, you know, break it, right? So um, yeah, that was that's that's a harsh reality. And that was also very painful too, because I get invested in these relationships with, you know, friends and partners, whatever, right? And to realize all that is just it's it's no fun, right? And it's like I don't want to be, you know, Fort Knox clang, clang, clang, you know, closing up all the gates and not letting anybody in and not having any, you know, vulnerability and things like that, right? It's like what I have discovered out of all of this is I can be vulnerable. As a matter of fact, vulnerability is my my greatest strength, right? Like if I can be vulnerable and tell you, hey, I shit the bed last night, right? And without any qualms and without any embarrassment or, you know, or any like worrying that you're gonna be running around telling all your friends or blasting on social media, oh my God, can I shit the bed last night? I'd be like, yes, I did. Can you cheat for me, right? Like I I can do that like without any embarrassment or anything like that. How can you harm me? I've taken the wind out of yourselves. And that's where people put their guards up, is because they are they they have been vulnerable and then they've been, you know, that that vulnerability has been um abused or trampled on or, you know, used to some other, you know, twisted advantage for the other person or whatever, right? So it's like, but if you can be vulnerable and be stand and stand strong in that vulnerability and know that it changes nothing about you, right? And allow people whatever they're gonna do, they're gonna say whatever they're gonna say, no matter what, no matter if you say something or not, they're gonna fucking talk. Let them, let them. You can't change what they're gonna say or do or think or whatever. So the only thing you can do is be yourself and be confident in your vulnerability because that's you give them you, there's no fight, right? Like you've become a mesh screen. There's nothing to like all their anger and whatever just goes right through you. You can't, there's nothing to push against, you know.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

I think doing this and sharing our thoughts and our stories, this is really putting ourselves out there. Yeah, and I think I feel more safe in this space sharing sometimes than on one-to-one because it is easier to block out the noise. Are people gonna have an opinion? Sure. Do I need to hear about it? No. Are you gonna share? Do I have to listen? No. Um, and that doesn't mean that I I don't like constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is much different than you're a piece of shit. Constructive criticism.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

Hey, you're a racial insert racial slur here.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

Yeah, yeah. Or, hey, have you noticed this guy keeps violating your boundaries, keeps cheating on you? You leave him and you go back to him. Do you see how maybe that's hard for friends to continue to have compassion for that? Or you know, or do you think that that's still something that you want to invite into your life? Like you could be more curious without being like, hey, dumb shit, you're going back to him again. Like that's that's also a little bit of a different way. And and it's not to say, even if you're asking questions, someone still might get offended. Right. Because again, like you said, they may not be ready to hear that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:30

You know, it's like we're gonna lessons will be repeated until learned, right? Different form, different body, different whatever, whatever, right? What is this to Tibetan rules of living, right? And that's that's like the number one is lessons will be repeated until they're learned. And what you know, when I start recognizing my own patterns and I start, you know, I'll have like one major revelation about, you know, whatever relationship or insight or something like that. And then I notice as I go through time that um that I'll I will have that same situation again, yet it'll be smaller and gentler and then smaller and then gentler. And then the next, you know, and the same thing, next one smaller, gentler, smaller, gentler until finally I'm like, yes, got it. I've had the intellectual aspect of this taken care of. Like I've been able to think about this and process this and all this type of stuff. And so doing that is great. You cry about it, you journal about it, you you know, burn some sage, you, you know freaking scream at the moon, whatever, whatever works for you, right? So after doing all of that and having all these revelations, now you get the field test. You get put out in the real world, and now you get to test your theories and everything that you've thought about and everything that you've healed in the real world in real time. So you can't just sit in your house and then think, I'm now enlightened, right? Because there is no eye, right? So that's why you are out with humans having other interactions and other relationships with no matter who it is, a partner, friends, siblings, whatever, right? And you get to put your intellectual learning and all of your deep healing that you've done sitting on your, you know, sitting on your sofa by yourself to you to work in the real world. And you're that's how you're gonna have people come at you like that. So you can be like, aha, I recognize this now, and I don't need to react the same way. And so you're gonna get that a couple of times until the universe is just like, are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Are you absolutely sure that you're sure that you don't need this lesson anymore? And you're like, Yep, done and dusted, done, and you're never gonna experience that again. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 34:29

Yes, well, and seen, yeah, right, and and I think I think it is fair. I don't think because of this one interaction that that means everybody else is gonna react that way. No, and and I am good with putting myself out there more and more, but coming back to like I wasn't really raised with a lot of boundaries either, or learning how to put up boundaries for myself. How did you go about if you weren't taught that and you didn't know how to model it off of someone? How did you learn to have boundaries?

SPEAKER_01 35:05

You know, it's okay, being a Virgo, I observe and observe and observe and observe and observe, right? And everything goes, you know, just kind of added to a list, to a list, to a list. I'm just like, oh, this happened again. Oh, this happened again. Oh, this happened again, oh, this happened again, and this happened again, but from this angle. And holy shit, this is kind of the same thing. So I was like recognizing all of these little different patterns of like one category of boundary crossing, let's just say, right? And and it um it had occurred to me through somebody said something this way, or somebody had um experienced me this way, or I experienced them in this way, or you know, a cashier, or you know, whatever somebody said something snarky and I didn't say anything about it, or just whatever, right? But I would notice it would trigger the same feelings, you know, through all these different venues, right? And I'm like, huh, wait a minute, there's there's something here, right? So then when I finally am like, that doesn't sit right with me, you know? And of course, the first thing you do when you set a boundary is the people that are accustomed to running over your boundaries, they're the first, they're the ones that are gonna give you the biggest pushback, right? Because now you're not allowing what they were always accustomed to doing, right? And so um, I think we're talking last time about like the family shit diaper, right? It's like when when they're adding shit into your diaper, right? And now you're like, um, I don't want that anymore. They're gonna be like, um, excuse me, you asked for this, you want it, and I've got a whole truckload more truckload more. So here you go, you're gonna take it. And it's like, no, I'm not, you know, and they just they get all inflamed because you're disrupting their comfort, right? And it's like if somebody's getting disrupted because you're disrupting, or if somebody's getting inflamed because you're disrupting their comfort, that should that's kind of a red flag right there, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:54

And especially if you're interrupting because you're doing better for yourself. If you doing better causes that in someone else, then that is a hundred percent on them.

SPEAKER_01 37:05

That's yes, and then yes, let me, you know, let me say that too, to clarify that it's like I'm not talking about like you're just being a dick just because you're being a dick and your wounds are just like being blasted all over other people. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a place coming from a place of like reflection and like, no, this no longer works for me. Like this doesn't work for me, and I'm telling you this doesn't work for me, and I'm not gonna tolerate this anymore, right? And then you get the pushback, and it's like, well, you know, then you have to, you have to decide what are your parameters for that particular relationship. Is that accept, is that acceptable in the relationship? Are you willing to take, you know, X amount of whatever, you know, and still be in this relationship, you know, or is it a deal breaker? You know, and that's where you have to really know, you know, this is a deal breaker, this and and this is tolerable.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

Yeah. So I would say my boundary setting gets stronger as I get to know myself better. I think um, you know, starting all of this spiritual stuff prior to having a kiddo was one thing. And I I don't think it was really until I started loving myself more that I realized, oh, I have permission to feel okay in my space. Yes, yes, yes, have to be at the expense of somebody else's comfort. And especially your own. Yes, yes, yes, especially your own. Especially, and I think you know, I've done a lot of Reiki for the past two years, taking different classes, masterclasses, and doing soul retrieval. And I think also that like soul retrieval and the self-love part really help me see who I am, and in seeing who I am, that's when I could realize, oh, hey, you know, I won't tolerate being spoken to in certain ways because as adults, we don't have to name call, we don't have to get vicious when we fight. We can disagree and still say, Hey, I'm actually getting really upset and worked up. Can we take a time? Like I just need to pause because this we're no longer hearing each other. Right. And that is very different than go fuck yourself. I'm not gonna talk to you. That doesn't that doesn't leave space for any repair, that doesn't leave space for conversation anymore.

SPEAKER_01 39:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Um and at the same time, I also have very strong boundaries now against uh up for who I help and meaning and mainly coming from a familial side, actually, I realized I was always the one expected to pick up the pieces and you know, go bail someone out, or go and call and and make sure they're talking to this other family member, or you know, just that expectation. But when I was in shit, like one time my kiddo was in the hospital and he was coughing up blood. It was really terrifying because yeah, he came downstairs. Yeah, now it's now it's a little funny, but like I hear upstairs, and like we are a frequent flyer like at the urgent care, right? Um, but I hear from upstairs, Mom, I coughed up blood. And I'm like, okay, like come on, let's go, we'll go to the ER. He comes out and he looks like a fucking vampire that just freshly fed. Like there wasn't no so much blood. So I'm like, oh, let's get in the car, right? And so we go, and um, it was serious enough where they like we didn't wait, they instantly put us in. Oh shit. Okay. Thank God it was nothing. But yeah, I had two separate hospital stays with him, and the second one was like a two-night. And I remember I asked my parents, like, hey, could you guys just bring us some food? Like, I don't want to eat hospital food. And I was met with, oh, I don't really want to come. Like, oh, I don't really like hospitals. And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me? Like, I know if this was my other sister and her kids, they they wouldn't even have to fucking ask you. Like, you would have already been there. And I can't even tell you how many times, even though I'm a single mom, that I've had to take one of my parents to the ER for you know something and and take off time. And in those moments, I just was like, okay, I think I am done here. I don't want to hold on to the anger of not feeling like I'm supported as well. But I also can't keep I can't keep having this one-sided where I am putting you guys before my well-being and before my child's well-being. Right, right. Damn.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Yeah, that's that's that's a lot. Yeah. And that's I think, and that's that's one of the the more painful things too, right? Because we have these expectations, like, and especially if you are a person who is giving and I've had this conversation with my with a couple people lately, is if you are kind, you probably have been taken advantage of, right? Oh, for sure. Right. Because and and the whole reason for that is you would never do to people what people are doing to you. And that's why it's more painful and it's come it comes as more of a shock sometimes. Because it's like, what the fuck? Like, I would what are you doing? You know, and sometimes sometimes it's subconscious, right? And then other times people are just like, yeah, I did that. So what are you gonna do about it, type of thing, right? Yeah, and um yeah, that's a very strong though those types of people are the ones who do end up getting hurt because they are deeper feelers and deeper, come deeply compassionate people, right? And they are extending compassion to everybody because they understand that everybody comes from some place of woundedness, right? Yeah, yet having that compassion is what you know for yourself is is is a piece that's missing oftentimes, right? Because not setting boundaries gets you in that that wounded state as well, right? And it's like you were saying, like, I am the common denominator for all of the bullshit that's in my life, right? So setting boundaries is just so important, and knowing what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate is just is critical. It's crucial for your safety and well-being, you know?

SPEAKER_00 43:30

And it's like yeah, go ahead. Oh, I wanted to say you can still identify as the common denominator and identify it with compassion. So you don't just because you are the common denominator, it doesn't make you less than. It doesn't make you a piece of shit. It doesn't mean you should focus on all the things you've done wrong. It literally just means it should be an aha moment for a jumping off point to grow. Because I think sometimes in this space, too, we can try. To think that like spiritual lessons are because we're bad people and therefore bad things happen. And I don't believe in that either. I think fucking shitty things can happen to really good people, and it's not like a karmic response that you had like been shat on.

SPEAKER_01 44:17

Like expectations, right? We expect good things to happen, and then all of a sudden the rug gets pulled out from underneath us, and that's not cool, right? And it usually, you know, and when it comes from people that we um that we do have close relationships with, it's it's just that much more painful. And it's shitty to see that you're not being treated with the same um respect and compassion that that you're giving to them, you know. Yeah, it's you just gotta know yourself and find out what's tolerable, you know. And I think the the best way to go about that is just uh looking at the patterns and seeing, okay, wow, I keep feeling this way with this person. Like this is, and the same thing keeps kind of happening, like they keep, you know, dismissing me or belittling me or you know, whatever the situation is, or you know, offhand comments that are just kind of snarky, you know. Yeah, um, and it's like this this isn't cool, you know, and whatever your pushback is, you know, whatever pushback you get from explaining that in a nice, healthy way and not just like bitch, shut up, right? Yeah, unless you guys joke that way, right? I mean, there's people that just shut up, you know. But um, yeah, but if you're approaching it in a serious way of just like, you know, when you say these little things, this this is really hurtful, you know? And it's like I've I've been on that end as well. As a matter of fact, I had um a dear um cousin come visit, and I was just I was on a sick one, man. I was just popping off on like some just snarky comments and all this other shit. And like after after a day or two, she's like, What's up? Like, what what's going on? Like, why are you saying these types of things? And I'm like, oh shit. I didn't even realize that I was that I was going off like that. I'm like, wow, so I've been a dick for like the last day or two. Like, holy shit. And of course, I was mortified. She's like, no, we are so good. Like, we're good, like, you know, but you're just saying some shit that just really, you know, like triggered me. And, you know, I recognize I was triggered, and you know, whatever, whatever. But you were just being a little overboard. And I'm like, fuck me. Oh my god. Yeah, you're totally right. I was being completely overboard. So my apologies. And then that's how you have healthy repair, right? It's like both people, you know, well, first off, she was actually willing to say it and approached me in a way that was um, you know, very, you know, very mature and very a point of inquiry of just like, hey, you know, I felt this way when you said this, you know. And I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. And then it's on me to be receptive to that and be able to hear her and recognize how my actions have harmed her, right? Yeah. And she had put that was a boundary that she had set. She's like, Yeah, that's not that's not cool. I don't, I don't like that. And I'm like, I will never do that again. I you know, I will be very mindful of that. And we're so cool. And this was this is a while ago, you know. But um, yeah, and we are super cool. And every once in a while it comes up, hey, remember that time you were a dick? I'm like, yeah, you know, or hey, remember that time I was a dick? And she's like, Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

That's a part of being human. It's just it goes back to like so. I always say to my son, very often, your comfort doesn't come at the expense of other people's comfort. Meaning, like, if I'm trying to go to sleep, he doesn't get to wake me up because he wants to ask me a question. Like, I am going to and you have to understand that. And I think that's like where we start teaching those little boundaries, right? Because I'm trying to teach him what I was never taught. Um, and I think in that moment, like you are freely being you, but you freely being you came at the expense of somebody else's comfort, and that was on her to share with you. Hey, what's up, dude? And the healed portion of you was able to sit there and and own it because being wrong doesn't make you a bad person, right?

SPEAKER_01 48:18

Right. Because we all fuck up. Excuse me, I'm a Virgo, so I forgot.

SPEAKER_00 48:26

Everyone expects about that. Um, however, the story you just shared kind of suggests otherwise, but we'll let that go. Yeah, just in wrapping all of this up, I think that it just comes down to that. Like, really, really look within. And if you're constantly finding the same thing happening in your life, a good indicator that something within needs to be healed. Right. And knowing that it's safe, even if people are gonna be dicks when you're speaking your truth, that doesn't mean everybody's gonna be safe. It just means maybe that person's not safe for you, right? Yeah, and we don't sorry, I'm gonna keep going, but we also don't have to give permission for them to mistreat us just because we have an understanding of their background. Like nobody deserves to go through shitty things and then be a shit to the people behind them.

SPEAKER_01 49:21

Right. And the more that you set your boundaries, the more you will find that people that were running roughshod over it, they will fade away, they will fade out, they will phase out. And new people who understand and respect those boundaries will filter in. And yeah, they roll with it and know that some of it's gonna be painful, you know, when you lose those relationships. But if people aren't willing to grow with you and are still being upset at you holding boundaries, those are not your people because that's that's gonna require you to make yourself less than, you know, and keep yourself uncomfortable in order to make them comfortable, even though you were just saying, yeah, well, it doesn't come at the expense of other people's comfort. It's like, yes, in the in to the degree that I don't want my kid waking me up in the middle of the night just because he needs, you know, to ask a question or get a drink of water, whatever, whatever. Like if he's old enough to go get his own water, right? Correct. But you know, it's like, no, I'm sleeping. You're not gonna wake me up in the, you know, for that, unless it's you know, your head's on fire and it's some kind of emergency, right? Yes. Um, yeah, but other people's comfort as far as like them, you know, allowing them to just dump all their wounds on you continually, continually, continually. That's that's what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_00 50:36

A hundred percent. You can't say because I have XYZ, therefore I'm allowed to say whatever, or because I'm this age, you have to just put up with it. No, I that's sorry. Yeah, that is that is not the type of comfort I am at all talking about. I am talking about when you're coming from a very grounded space and you are able to take inventory and accountability for your own shit, then you can have those healthy boundaries. Because I don't think it's a healthy boundary to be like, I can be the biggest fucking dick and say whatever I want, and you're supposed to just take it.

SPEAKER_01 51:08

Right. Well, you know what? And then one thing too, it's like when you have these hard conversations and the other person only wants to fight. What what how do you how do you handle that?

SPEAKER_00 51:17

I walk away now because why do I have I don't need to prove myself being right? Like I you can be right, sure. Like you them being right doesn't make me wrong, it just means I get to hold on to my inner peace, and that is so much more important to me these days than proving why I'm right.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

Yeah, you know, I spent so much time trying to prove why I'm right, you know, just because I've thought it all the way through from every different angle, 360 degrees, like the whole sphere, right? I've thought it all the way through, and my way is the best way, you know. And yeah, I I've I've come to the same thing. Go ahead and be right. I don't, I know what works for me. That's it. And I don't need to convince you about what works for me. And I shouldn't have to, and you shouldn't want me to, because I want you to be as self-fulfilled and self-expressed and boundary holding and rock solid in your own self-confidence and your own compassion and your own love and all that other type of stuff, that you are fully expressed, and that you don't have to walk around on eggshells around other people and all that type of stuff. And I don't want to be a person that you have to walk around eggshells for. Correct. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:33

Very good.

SPEAKER_01 52:35

Yeah. So, in conclusion, um, stay self-aware, stay a little unhinged, and remember your safety always comes first. Compassion for yourself spills over into compassion for others, and keep those boundaries strong, my peoples. See you later, weirdos. And if you like, if you liked it, like, follow, and subscribe.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

There we go. Toodles. Until later.