How to Lose Your Shit More Gracefully

Have you ever reacted to something and immediately thought, “Well… that could have gone better”?

We've all been there—that moment when frustration, anxiety, anger, or overwhelm takes over and suddenly you're one inconvenience away from completely losing it. In this episode, Jane and Keri explore what happens when big emotions hijack our nervous system and how we can learn to navigate those moments with more awareness, self-compassion, and a little less collateral damage.

From locked doors in the desert and spiraling thoughts to emotional regulation, self-soothing, and the power of co-regulation, this conversation dives into the messy reality of being human. They discuss recognizing emotional triggers, identifying how emotions show up in the body, finding healthier outlets for anger and frustration, and why healing isn't about never losing your cool; it's about catching yourself sooner and recovering faster.

Along the way, they explore the difference between feeling emotions and being controlled by them, the importance of repair after conflict, and why emotional growth often looks less like perfection and more like shortening the time between reaction and awareness.

If you've ever found yourself spiraling, snapping at someone you love, doom-scrolling to avoid your feelings, or wondering why the same triggers keep showing up, this episode offers practical insights, relatable stories, and a reminder that growth isn't about never losing your shit...it's about learning how to lose it a little more gracefully.

Because being human isn't about mastering your emotions, it's about learning how to work with them.

💫 Email us at theunhingedintuitives@gmail.com for questions, comments, or topic requests, we would love to hear from you!

🌿 Work with Jane-Marie: www.transformativehealings.com

✨ Follow, rate, and share if this resonated.

Transcript

The Question Behind Emotional Aftershocks

SPEAKER_01 0:00

How do you catch yourself after anger, anxiety, or chaos takes over your whole body?

SPEAKER_00 0:06

I'm Carrie. And I'm Jane. Welcome to Unhinged, the Intuitive Weirdos, the podcast for people doing the inner work while still very much being human.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Here we will explore deep topics that encourage our growth and mental health. No gurus, no dogma, just navigating through life's asteroids while trying not to spill your coffee on your morning commute. Just exploring with curiosity where we fit into the whole cosmic puzzle. Nice.

Naming Emotions Without Chasing Perfection

SPEAKER_00 0:33

And for that, we started with an automatic channeling. So the question was what's the best way for humans to self-soothe after a blow-up, meltdown, or ruminating thoughts? And the response was humans are gonna go through this. It is a part of the human condition. You're not here to master no emotions. That is not the purpose. The purpose is to recognize it, name it, and then you can heal it. Sometimes when you put too much emphasis on mastering emotions, you spiritually bypass the lesson. The lesson is not to have a limited to no range of emotions. The lesson is to feel the emotion and not let it wreak chaos on your life and partnerships. You're not here to live a divine life where you are perfect. You have creation to tap into for that. You're here to be imperfectly perfect as a human. Your connection to yourself is where you start. Journal, do yoga, walk, meditate, draw, group energy, whatever that looks like for you. Just start doing that connection that helps you connect to your soul. Then reconnect to each one of your emotions. You can journal and ask your body, when I am mad, how do you show up? Where in my body do I feel you most? Where can I use you for helping me through life? What parts of you are holding me back? Pause in between each answer. Maybe you only ask one question per day per emotion before you really feel like you've connected your feelings to your body. Then reread what you wrote. You will begin to connect real-time feelings to the emotions that you're experiencing, and then you can choose how to deal with them in a manner that works best for you. This is not about perfection, this is about repetition and practicing. The that was only one example. It will not work for all, but you need to figure out a way to name it and connect it to the emotions, feelings within you, and then identify how and where they show up in your body and life.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

I love that.

Feeling Feelings In The Body

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Yeah. You know, that's one thing that I've kind of been just kind of half-ass practicing lately, which is like after a meditation or right when I wake up, or when I'm doing like I've been doing all sorts of crafty projects lately that just bring me so much joy, right? And I'm just like, oh my God, this feels fucking amazing, right? I'm just so happy right now and I love doing this and I want to continue, continue, you know, but I don't really specifically say, oh, I feel this in my belly, I feel this in my head, I feel this in my arms. Like I don't specifically attribute it to anything like that, but I do just recognize that I am experiencing these emotions of um just satisfaction and joy and just loving what I'm doing, you know, that type of thing, you know, to the point where I'm losing time, right? Like, oh my God, it's it's four o'clock and I didn't even eat lunch yet, type of type of shit, you know, which is absolutely amazing. And I I love it.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

I think the part of connecting it into your body, and like I think it's just really about making it like this really real connection, right? Like it's not just this esoteric word that lives without you, it's actually residing within. So when you can name it and feel it and put some more like adjectives to it, I think it actually helps us connect, especially for someone like me that I have such a hard time actually feeling my feelings. It's a lot easier for me to intellectualize and to question, but I don't always like sitting with like, oh, how am I feeling? Okay, I'm feeling a heaviness. Okay, I'm feeling tension, or like, oh, I'm feeling really uncomfortable, or my skin's crawling, whatever that is. I'm more so I tend to be like, huh, like I don't know. I just try to put more words to it. And I think sometimes in that actually feeling and embodying it, we become one, and then we're able to like not let it totally rule our lives because it's not something outside of us or separate.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

If that makes sense, you know, it totally does. And as you're saying that, I'm like, okay, I fully like I can relate to that completely because I I always have known what I think, but I've never really known what I feel, right? So putting all of this together is just like, oh shit. Like it's been a very interesting exploratory topic for me over these last several years to just really wait. I'm allowed to feel first off, I'm allowed to feel things, right? And I don't need to overanalyze every single fucking little nuance of every everything, right? Yes. Um, and I can just feel these things and and still be okay at the end of the day. And I don't need to like go overboard and analyze what I'm feeling because that just kind of ruins the point of feeling, right? It's like just allowing that right-brained, you know, creativity and flow and just allowing yourself to just be in the feeling of whatever it is versus whatever, you know, and it it really does, like what you're saying, it really does help me cement it into my body when I can go back and ask those questions of just like, okay, where am I feeling this? But in the moment of stress or chaos or shit happening or whatever, like, I'm not gonna, you know, sit there and be like, okay, where am I feeling this right now? When I've got, you know, some asshole on the road who's like yelling at me, or you know, I've got construction workers in my kitchen and I'm trying to make breakfast and they're just like, you know, with their all their machinery and you know, whatever, whatever. I'm not gonna be like, ah, uh, I feel this now in my chest, right? It's like, get the fuck out of my house. Go away and bother someone else. You know, it's like at the time, I'm just I'm not gonna, I can't, I'm not, that's not what solves the problem for me, right? Like I need to, I need to have immediate action and you know, I can catch up on the feelings later when I have time to decompress, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Like, but I think it's that, I think it's really the foundation of just starting to feel your feelings because in the moment, I don't know many people that are like, you know, somebody says something nasty or cuts you off on the freeway or like you're stuck in gnarly gridlocked traffic. I don't know anybody that's like, oh, I'm really fucking annoyed and I'm feeling that right here in my chest, right? Like I think I think you have to give yourself some time and space to actually sit with these emotions. And actually, I think like when I when this came through, the vision I had is like um talking to anger, like so not necessarily that you're in an angry space, but you invite your own personal anger in and you're having a communication with anger. Um and then that way, just so you can start to feel and like okay, what does that look like? That sounds really stupid, right? But like seriously sitting with like, all right, you know, like I today I want to connect to myself, I want to take a deep breath, and like I just want to sit with my anger. Like, you know, I want you to feel heard. And where do you show up? Like, even when I start to do that, it's weird. I'm feeling like tingles through my arms. And so, like, I've never done this before, but like instantly I did start feeling a body sensation. And then I would explore that body sensation, like, okay, what is this telling me? And then just start kind of chasing that rabbit hole down and like and just taking notes and just um without judgment, just having curiosity, right? But all of these things, like I don't, you know, we were talking about this before. Like, how do you catch yourself during or so that anger and anxiety and all that stuff doesn't take over? Like, I don't think that's actually the point. I don't think you're gonna, I think you're gonna feel, right? Like it's not to not feel, but it's once you have that feeling of like I'm fucking angry or like I'm gonna lose my shit. Like, what do you do in those next steps? And I think that self-soothing process, like that actually, like, oh, okay, I need to take some time and tell my body I'm safe. Like, no, no cyber tooth tiber is gonna come attack me right now, right? Like my lizard brain, you need to chill out. Like, we're gonna be okay, and I'm just gonna take a minute to calm myself because I think it is that it is practicing like the breathing techniques, practicing connecting with your body prior to getting into that emotion, that emotional state where your you know prefrontal cortex is just fucking flipped and you're not responding as a human now, you know.

When Chaos Hits Fast In Real Life

SPEAKER_00 8:43

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

You know, okay, so the most um I was gonna say the most recent, but the most one of the most poignant um reminders of that or instances of that for me was when we were out in Joshua Tree and I'm trying to open this fucking door, and I didn't have the code, and there was no key, and the code was wrong, and then this was wrong. And I'm I was so frustrated, and it took me a long time to really get to the end of my rope and realize I need to step away from this for a second. Like I was, I remember I was physically uncomfortable because the sun was shining directly on me and we were out in the fucking desert and it was boiling, and I was thirsty and I had to go pee. So there's like all sorts of like physical, like immediate, you know, discomfort right there. On top of, you know, I had just driven, you know, several hours and you know, all the all these things, all these compounding factors. And then I get to this door and it's like the one thing that I need to fucking work and it's not working. And I'm like, okay, well, that's an expectation, right? Um, I did that to myself because I had an expectation that I would just be able to go in and go pee right away and then get some water and not be hot, right? But I couldn't. I couldn't get in, I couldn't get the code, the whole thing was just just a big old clusterfuck in my own head, right? And I finally, I'm like, I have to step away from this. I have to step away. And everyone, nobody else is having an issue with it, but I'm spiraling. I'm out of control. Like I was just losing my titties, right? Um, but yeah, we finally got in. And thank you to you, because you stood there the whole time and were just like, okay, well, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna contact this, and we're gonna do like you fully like helped me through that, you know. So it's like I already had enough going on in my body that I wasn't gonna be able to sit there and just be like, oh, well, my chest is tightening up and you know, my shoulders are clenched and I'm short of breath, and I'm you know, I'm getting a little no, like that's not gonna solve this shit. Like, I need to talk to this person, I need to email this person, I need to pop a text and blah, blah, blah, blah. I need to handle the physical issue, the earthly human shit. Then I can melt out, right? Which we finally got in. I finally did not die, and um, I I survived like a champ, right? I made it through. And um, you know, and I just I remember I all of you guys give me the hug, which was amazing. And I was just crying, and I'm just like, fuck, that just really rocked my world. And it's like afterwards, I can sit there and just be supported by my friends, which is absolutely astounding and amazing to me. And I'm so very grateful to you and to everyone else. And um yeah, at that point, I can just, you know, I feel it. Oh my God, my head is throbbing and you know, my shoulders are like eh, up to here and whatever, whatever, right? But yeah, so after that, I'm able to just kind of like regulate again with the help of like the energy of all you guys around, just being like, hey, we're here and we're all supportive and we're here to have fun for the weekend, whatever, whatever. So that just really helps me, like helped me reset like pretty quickly. But at the moment, man, yeah, I was not gonna be no well.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

And I mean, I think you're hitting on a couple different things. So that in that instance, it was like the co-regulation kind of helped you not totally fucking explode, right? Or like start breaking windows. I think I was close.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

I was close. I had a rock in my hand. I don't know if you remember, I was gonna smash some smash some fucking keypads.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

I think it is fair to have an expectation of a code working when you're paying for something, right? Coupled with one would think, right? I mean, so like I think you know, that moment I would imagine it wasn't literally just the door not working, right? It's like everything else going on, yeah. And it's not even just necessarily that day, it's also, you know, 110 heat isn't comfortable to stand in. Um when I have to pee, yeah. Yeah, so I think I mean, yes, having friends that can help us co-regulate, but like really, I personally think that the the bigger thing is like, how do we learn how to self-soothe and self-regulate? Because likely we weren't taught, not everybody is taught that as a child. I know I wasn't. I know I wasn't I couldn't even teach my child until now I'm trying to teach him at 13 because I didn't fucking know how to do it. Yeah. And and what is what is regulating look like? Like for me, I really do try, I I tend to take deep breaths and I try to just pause when I can feel because I do like one of the signals for me that I've noticed is like a tightening of my chest and like kind of um like bringing my shoulders up, right? Like I just yeah, yeah, and that I do get that like clenching jaws. Yeah. Now, when I'm around family, am I able to take a deep breath? No, not most of the time. Most of the time I'm gonna fucking flip, I'm gonna yell, and then I eventually I'm like, okay, that was I was being a little baby, I need to calm down. Um but practicing and trying to model it for my son, I'm getting better 80% of the time, 70% of the time, of like not screaming, right? Taking a pause, right? Thinking and getting back into my body. So I think it's um like that example that you gave of the door. Yeah, in that moment you weren't gonna be like, hey buddy, where am I feeling this? But now if you wanted, you could sit with journaling and go back to that moment and be like, all right, let's replay this. Where was I feeling what in my body? And I think I think it isn't like I think it is really just more witnessing, and it is just getting more in tune with, all right. So when that anger showed up in that way, maybe in the future, when you're about to piss your pants and the door's locked, you can be like, I'm about to lose my shit, someone take over, you know?

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Well, I did, I finally was like, I need to step away from this for a second. Like, you know, yeah, but it for me it was a very interesting thing to recognize, oh wow, I've had enough. Because ordinarily, like before in the old and in the before times, um, in the before four, um, I would just go and go and go and go and go until I am exhausted, you know. And I'm so proud of myself because the other day when I'm sitting here trying to do some computer-y stuff, right? I was adulting hard, man. I was doing so much adulting stuff. And I'm trying to open this link and I'm trying to contact this person. I haven't heard back from this one, and this email's not going through, and then this page doesn't open, and then my internet's being all wonky and just this and that and whatever, and then everybody else is just going, you know, one thing after another, and I'm like, and my head's starting to hurt. And I'm just like, wait a minute, I recognize this. This in my feel this in my forehead. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh shit, my shoulders are all scrunched up to my ears. I'm like, that's not cool. That's not like I'm not having fun. Like this, I can adult and not be, you know, not be an asshole about it, right? But it's like I don't, I can adult without having these bodily reactions too. So it's like, I'm just like, okay, this is my signal to take a break, call it quits for the day. It was already like 445 anyway. So, you know, I'm like, okay, that's that's fine. I can I can stop now and and be okay. And nothing there, the the world is not going to end just because I don't hear back from this person right now. That normal.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Yeah. That um, you know, because even like for me, I am stuck at a job all day, and sometimes there are some fucking morons that I have to interact with. And um, sometimes I still do lose my shit, but also sometimes I'm like, this is just a motherfucking paycheck. It's all gonna be okay. And then sometimes I'm like, I'm just gonna go fucking take a break, take 15 minutes, walk, grab a coffee, something, just to get out of that physical location to give me some space to just like kind of chill out for a second.

Permission To Feel And Healthy Outlets

SPEAKER_00 16:36

And I I really think like I think we can just start viewing because I think sometimes, especially as women we're taught like too much of emotion in any direction is like unbecoming, right? Like you can't get too into unbecoming, it's so touching.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

She's hysterical. She's got the hysteria, yeah, yeah. Tell Tara Dildo.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Stut. Where I think really, like, I think it comes down to like we have permission to fucking feel feelings. Yeah. We also have permission to like start tapping into that more so that we don't completely spiral and go into chaos and say shit that we can't take back.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Yeah, you know, it's like the whole, okay, so you know, there's the whole like a wall punching, dudes punch walls, you know, type of thing. It's like that, they're feeling some feelings big time in their bodies, right? Like, where do you go with this shit? Like me, like women generally have a tendency to just like sit down and cry, just start crying. Like it just fucking leaks out, right? And it's like or I fucking go to sweet food. Right, yeah. That's you know, I mean, there's so many different ways to cope with this shit, right? But it's like I have felt that level of like boiling energy, you know, that's just swirling and like it, you know, I'm just like, I I I have to do something with this, I have to jump up and down, I have to like twist, I have to like I don't want to punch walls, right? But that energy has to go somewhere, and it's like boogie it out, you know. But in the meantime, you know, I don't know. I that's I don't know where I was going with that. But it's like you can see why people throw things or you know, punch walls or knock shit over or whatever, just because they're so frustrated and all of that's it's not leaving their body and they gotta do something about it. We weren't ever taught that take it out.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Well, yeah, and I mean, I think past our you know, eight, nine-year-old selves, like punching walls and throwing things really isn't appropriate, right? Right. So we're either gonna break our wall or break our hand or hurt someone, and at the end of the day, like at that temporary moment of absolute anger, could actually end up causing like everlasting harm to something, right? You know, or someone or something. So I think I think that's the part is like I think when we think of men as punching walls, I also think that goes back to men aren't traditionally given permission to feel, right? Right. Like I know some some women who think men crying is a weakness, and it's like, why? Oh Lord.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

I fucking cry. Why okay? So here's here's one thing. I'm a little side story. I'm gonna tell him like I'm gonna out my son here real quick. So um when he had what first met this one, um, this one friend of his, right? Um he was, you know, kind of bragging, like, no, I don't cry. Men don't cry. That's fucking weak sauce, you know. And this new friend said, What are you talking about? How could you possibly consider yourself a complete and full and whole man if you can't cry? If you can't express emotions, if you know, have you never been moved by a piece of music or or a piece of you know, something, some beautiful scenery, or you know, um even puppies playing, or you know, and have you never been moved to the point of tears? Like, how could how do you not have emotions? Like he's like, wait, what? Record scratch, right? And that kicked off an entire, you know, avenue of exploration for him, which was absolutely amazing. Because when he was growing up, thanks to thank you to me, you're welcome, kiddo. Um, you know, we didn't have any tools for self-regulation, right? So I didn't know it, you know, his father didn't know it. And so clearly how are we supposed to teach him something that we weren't even number one aware of and didn't even know about how to do, you know, know how to do. So, you know, there you go. But we only have now. So yeah, this is where we are now, and we do have the tools and the knowledge and the curiosity to do this type of thing, to do this healing and to figure out, you know, how to regulate ourselves instead of actually punching walls and knocking things over, you know.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Yes, exactly. And and how does that look like? Like we get determined, like maybe it's somebody going and jumping rope or jumping on a trampoline or you know, late weightlifting, working out, or maybe it's somebody drawing a painting or journaling and physically getting their words out on paper. Or I know sometimes when I'm super stressed, I like to just take a nap. And as I'm not like falling asleep, I like to put my hands on my body and just give myself self-reiki because that's way to just calm, like whatever that is. And I know sometimes sleeping can be used as a way not to feel right, like to avoid, but sometimes I'm just fucking tired. Like, and when it comes to the crying part, like I understand I don't love crying in front of other people, like it's stupid, even though I cry so much, it does make me feel like I'm being a little whiny bitch, and I know that is so stupid, right?

SPEAKER_01 21:40

And I want to say well, you're still afraid of that judgment, yeah. That people are judging you for being a one weak, whiny little bitch, and it's like no, actually, I'm expressing some emotions and now it's gone and now I'm cleared. So there you go. Off, you know, off to join my day.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

You know, well, and I think it's a normal I mean, if you're crying every day, you should probably. Perhaps visit your doctor and see if there's something going on. Right. Like maybe hormones are, you know, in there. Right. Um, but if it's like you're crying, you know, because something actually hurts or makes you so happy or whatever, and it comes out in tears. Like, I think that's also a way for us to move stuck energy.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Absolutely, it is. It's very you know what's okay. This is one thing that I learned years ago, and I'm still fascinated by this. Tears of grief freeze in different patterns than tears of joy. Oh, yeah, that whole Dr. Umoto thing. Yeah, the water freezes, which is fascinating to me.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

That's the same as like the study that I think it was him or somebody else, that where they put like beautiful words and the crystals created like these beautiful crystal fruits things, and then nasty words were nasty crystals.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah, yeah. And same thing with like rice that was left out, you know, one was told, you know, it's beautiful and I love you, and the other one's like, You're rotten, you're awful. And of course, that one molded and got stinky right away. Yeah, and the other one was just like thriving, you know, even though it was doing nothing. Yeah. So interesting.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

Yeah, yep, yep, yep. Yeah.

Catching Spirals Earlier With Practice

SPEAKER_00 23:11

The the body emotion connection.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

Okay, so then I guess how do we use a spiral or like anxiety or when chaos starts showing up? Like, how do we use it as something to help us grow and not as a tool of judgment? Like, oh, I'm fucking doing this again.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

You know, okay, so I heard um this little trick the other day, and I absolutely love this. When and this woman, she it was a meme somewhere, and she was just like, Okay, so whenever I'm spiraling and I catch it, I just say, guards, you know, and I imagine the cavalry coming in and they scoop up this thought and they carry it away. And I'm like, oh my God, I fucking love that security, you know, and security comes and hauls that away because it's like you don't have to entertain every thought that comes your way, right? Like you don't have to, you know, build an apartment and you know, let it have your weekends, right? Like you don't have to, you don't have to feed that, you know. But catching it sooner and sooner, I believe, is achievable through again, through, through all the curiosity of why you have these reactions in the first place, right? And you recognize these patterns within yourself and you want to shift that. You want to do something different about that, right? It's like people so often get to the point where like, I'm fucking sick and tired of being so angry about this all the time. Like, what? There's gotta be something different. And it's like the second you say that, that opens the door for all these different avenues of like whatever method will suit you best is going to magically quote show up, right? Like you're gonna meet somebody, you're gonna have, I don't know, some interaction in the grocery store where somebody somebody says like one one single line, one single sentence that's just makes you just like, what? You know, that type of thing. So that's where the things start, you know, for you to just really question why you have these patterns and what you want to do about it.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

Well, and I think also um I think giving yourself a little bit of credit, right? Like when you have growth. I know, you know, I started this like spiritual self-development journey back in 08. And um, you know, I think I spent the first 10 years just kind of exploring and finding new things and like not really doing. If I were to look back and give a device to myself, I would say fucking do like learn something and fucking apply it, right? Because if you just learn it, that's not gonna help you. You really have to practice so that when you actually need it, it's like secondhand, you're not trying to figure it out while you're in the middle of a crisis, anxiety, chaos. Um, and I think giving yourself permission that like even when we do learn something, it doesn't mean that in 10 years from now that it still helps us. Maybe we can dive a little bit deeper and master that, you know, centeredness or connection within a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Well, you know, a couple things about what you're saying is I have found that I'll have one friend that tells me one thing, the same thing, you know, we're talking about whatever, whatever, you know, like, no, this is how this works. And I will have been told that five years, you know, and then all of a sudden I'll read it some, I'll read that exact same thought, I'll read it somewhere or have another interaction or catch it on a movie, and I'll be like, wait a minute, and then that's the one that does that. And then my original friend is like, the fuck, like I've been telling you this this entire time. And I'm like, I know, yes, and thank you. And that planted the seeds. So by the time I was finally ready to register it, it came to me. And by the time, because if you had said it, instead of me hearing it on a movie or reading it out of a book, I would have been like, holy shit, it finally clicks now. Thank you, you know, and you could still say, Yes, I've been telling you this for five years. And I would have been like, Yes, yes, you did. All right.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

But but I think on the flip side of that, like we can't expect to say something and it clicks either. Like, we don't get to control anyone else's life or how they react. Like, right, right, right. Just us judging them isn't gonna help them and make them do different.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

No, not judging, but I mean I'm talking about like in the course of conversation of just like whatever comes up, it's just like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

Well, yeah, but I mean, saying like, oh, I fucking told you so. Yeah, you did, but it took 40 times to settle in. Yes, I give you credit, you were the first one. Unfortunately, it took 50 more times to get there. And now right, right. But but I mean, giving yourself that permission that, like, okay, yeah, you did hear it 50 fucking times. Maybe you knew this the first time 10 years ago, and now you're actually applying it. Congratulations! Like, that's fine. You can't go back 10 years ago and apply it. It's already the fucking time's gone. Now you just celebrate that you're using it now, right? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

No, oh, absolutely. Yeah, that's the whole thing. It's like, if I'm ready to hear it and I've got the curiosity about it, then yeah, hooray for me.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Yeah. And I think, I think just not judging ourselves. So, like, I went through some shit um with uh, you know, educational stuff um that I have to tread around lightly because I can't really talk about it. And at the same time, I was going through shit with my son's father and you know, dealing with other personal stuff at work, and it was like the trifecta of just like a fucking shit storm, and I was like in the eye of the fucking storm for a very long time, and I was like fucking crying, I was, you know, barely hanging on, and then I got through it, and then another thing arrived shortly after making it through that was a very similar energy, and that time I found myself I was able to easily take a deep breath and to detach from like putting meaning to it and just dealing with what was being done instead of oh, these motherfuckers hate me, they're fucking trying to get me again. It was like, this is happening, this is the step I need to take. And I think that is through practice that we go through that we just bring a little bit more awareness to act differently, not perfect because I think you know, we have to look at like maybe the last time I spiraled for several weeks and this time I spiraled for three hours, like that is fucking growth, right? That's fucking huge improvement.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

Yeah, absolutely. That's a massive improvement.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

And it's it's that it is the connection with oh, okay, I'm going through this. Like, and I do think it comes down to like when we start spiraling, I do think that's a form of dysregulation. Like we feel like we're not gonna be safe, like we're never gonna get through this.

SPEAKER_01 29:53

Yeah, you know, there's all sorts of ways to cope, you know, and one of the the best things that works that's worked for me and still continues to work for me is meditation, right? Which sounds cliche, it sounds so cliche, but uh again, it works for me. And I through having meditated, meditated how I do and had, I have found myself able to completely shift reactions because when you find yourself having the exact same reactions to the exact same triggers, right, in different forms, in different bodies, in different people and different situations, but you're you're reacting to the exact same thing, you know. Oh, my mother always does this, and then my coworker always that, that, that, that. And it's the exact same thing, different body, right? And it's like when you recognize, oh my God, there's there's a parallel here. And all these people and all these circumstances are an opportunity for me to alter how I react. And so when you could recognize that you're you're reacting the same way, and you can actually get yourself out of that and able to just be like, oh, that no longer needs to trigger me. Like I'm okay. Like you can go ahead and rage and I don't need to be reactive, right? Or you could go ahead and blow up and do whatever, whatever, but I that's kind of not on me. If I if I in my mind and my heart know that I have acted to the best of my ability, to the best of my skills, um, to to my highest ethics and values and morals, and you're still mad about any of that, I that's kind of I can't help you there. You know, I don't have to react to that, and I don't have to take that personally.

SPEAKER_00 31:31

And I think what you're describing is this freedom of I can only control my own emotions and my own interaction. 100% can't put an expectation on somebody else to understand me, to listen to me, to feel what I'm feeling, or to try to convince them. Like some people, you just need to throw your hands up and be like, you're right. Right. You'd be like, oh, what the fuck ever. But like some people it's not worth wasting that energy on. And when we start mastering ourselves, meaning not perfection, but connection within, I think that's where we start, you know, dealing better with just life in general.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

Connection, Conflict, And Real Repair

SPEAKER_01 32:13

You know, there was one quote that I had heard, I can't remember who had said this or even where I had heard it. But they the quote says something along the lines of like, why, you know, lovers whisper, right? Because they are so connected, you know, they're right there with each other. They've got touch, they've got even if they're not touching, they they whisper, like they don't need to, you know, like they're so connected that they don't need loudness and you know, in order to connect, you know. Yet when people argue, even if they're only standing a couple feet from each other, they shout and they're yelling and they're like so loud because they're trying to bridge that gap. They're not feeling the connection. And so you have to shout in order to bridge that distance, you know. And um that when I heard that, I'm like, that really struck me. I'm like, that's that's so true. You know, we all want connection and we expect connection with our partners. And with that connection, oftentimes, like you're saying earlier, you know, comes regulation in group or through other people, right? But that connection can help you feel regulated as well, right? But I don't know. I thought that was just a really cool amazing little quote.

SPEAKER_00 33:24

Yeah, yeah. And I think I think also that that yelling and and bridging the gap, I think that is like we just want somebody to understand us, understand us. But sometimes we need to be okay with I don't have to convince you, because for me, I know when it comes down to those moments, I'm trying to convince someone why I'm right. Right? Right. You need to hear why I am right, or I need to convince them of what I'm feeling. But like really, when it comes back to, you know, circling back to your meditation, if you are meditating on a regular basis, you are creating this more calm space within where you can just allow other people to be themselves too. And you don't need to feel that feeling of like, I must be hurt. You can say what you need to just say, right? And you can walk away if it's not working, right? Or if it's if it's someone that we love, like maybe it's a misunderstanding or we're getting angry, then like you can repair and you can have a conversation like, hey, this is feeling this way, like I just want to make sure and check in. Did I did I, you know, unintentionally hurt you or whatever, but leaving space open to communicating how someone was feeling. But that's somebody that matters. Oh, I keep cutting it off.

SPEAKER_01 34:36

Right. Yeah, no, absolutely. You know, and it's like I think one of the most important questions that you can ask after a blow up is how did this land for you? Like what what did you, you know, how how did all of this make you feel? Like for you know, on top of the apology, like yeah, the curiosity as to how it landed for the other person, how they were made to feel, how you know, how that went for them. It's like, I don't ever want that for other people, right? So it's like I really want to make sure that there's some type of repair, you know. You can't just say, okay, sorry, all right, I won't do it next time. It's that's not repair. Yeah, that's just you're just throwing an apology out of the air and out, you know, out and hope it sticks, right? It's like that's not communication, that's not connection, that's not repairing the connection, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:25

Yeah, well, and I think I think it is that hard to be vulnerable, and uh especially like in a in my family, we weren't raised to truly apologize, and apologies weren't received well most of the time. So even if I would try to apologize, I'd be met with like, oh yeah, but you're a fucking dick, and like just it would continue the argument somehow. Like it was never like hey, thanks in the future, like maybe you could do this differently. It would there's not that repair, that like safety to come to apologize. Um one time I was hanging out with a dear friend who I actually consider much more of a sister, and we got into a blow out, and I can't even remember what we were talking about. I feel like it was something silly, and then we both all of a sudden started. Oh, I know we were talking about generational differences, and I used the word antiquated, and she felt I was calling her old, and I was using antiquated of like that's an outdated belief, which okay, outdated is in there, but I wasn't calling her old. And um, and it just got so intense so quickly. And we were in the right space where I could say, Hey, what is happening? Right. Like, and I said, I'm feeling a little attacked right now, and I think you're you're feeling something because I I sense this isn't going right. And we were actually able to, in the moment, tap into how we felt um and really connect. And, you know, my friend was like, I don't understand how people react to me. Like, what did I do? And and I was able to say, like, you started your posture got tense, you started getting closer to me and yelling, and I felt personally attacked, and it made me respond in a way. And she got to explain to me what she was experiencing when I was doing that to her. Now, I can tell you I haven't had that really since, but it was this very healing conversation where I left feeling so much more close to her because we were able to go through something where both of us fucking got angry and then got over it together.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

Well, that goes back exactly to like you're shouting, even though you're you know you're right there and you're shouting in order to be understood, right?

SPEAKER_00 37:34

Yes, yeah, more shouting isn't gonna bridge that connection, it's starting to understand, right?

SPEAKER_01 37:41

Yeah, and you guys handled it so beautifully, yeah. It sounds like you were able to catch it, and just both of you are like, wait, what the fuck are we doing? What's what is happening? Like, this is so not cool.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

Like, what are we doing here? Well, and what's so funny is like, how did we even get in a fight over generational differences?

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Stupid, yeah. Oh my god, there's so many better things you can fight about, honestly. Like that choose a better topic next time.

SPEAKER_00 38:04

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But that's also, you know, I have had those moments where I've had stupid fights over something like that, and a friendship's ended because I wasn't emotionally um, I wasn't connected with my own emotions to be like, hey, I had a disagreement. It doesn't make her bad, it doesn't make me wrong. Um, it just makes me angry. And I need to be able to work through anger because anger is a part of a human emotion that I'm gonna experience. Yeah, we can't avoid that shit. Yeah, anger doesn't make me bad, it doesn't make anyone bad. It's how do we respond once anger shows up that defaults on who we are as people exactly?

SPEAKER_01 38:44

It's just gotten such a negative spin, you know, and it's just because mostly people attribute um the um potential violence or the outbursts or physical damage or harm that is generally associated with with anger, you know. Yes, but it's like anger itself is not the issue, it's it's like you said, it's what you do with it and how you cope with it and what you you know, how you can direct it without harming yourself, without harming others, without harming property, without you know doing any damage, you know? Yeah, or go put a punching bag, you know, go do that all day.

Escaping With Scrolling And Coming Back

SPEAKER_00 39:20

Yeah, we've talked a lot about the healthy coping mechanisms and how to try to go within. But um, you know, there's also drinking and drugs that some people do. And I know in my youth, I binge drinked way too much to try to escape feeling. And I think once I actually started connecting much more to my feelings, I don't even really drink anymore because I just don't like the way I feel when I drink. Where before I was so uncomfortable in my own fucking skin, I drink to escape.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

You know, even something as simple as doom scrolling can be a form of escape, right? Still guilty. Still guilty. Um, you know, even if it's the feeling is boredom, you know? But what is boredom even? You know, it's like I'm bored or I have to sit and wait at the doctor's office for whatever, whatever, right? It's like wherever you are, you're gonna have a couple minutes to scroll. Okay, well, I might as well just catch up on whatever, you know, whoever sent me whatever, right? And um I'm just as guilty as well. Yet can we be by ourselves? Because what is the boredom? Are we are are we so not happy with ourselves, like happy with just me as a person that I have to escape my own self and just sit there and fucking let my thumb go for fucking hours? Like, yeah, you know, it's like I really want to be present with myself and be, I mean, it's not possible to do this all the time, right? Like, I'm still I'm still gonna check Instagram. Sorry, like I'm just gonna, right? Because I'm there's plenty of good memes I need to send all my friends, right? There's plenty of cute puppies, you know. So, um, but it's like being present with ourselves and understanding what to do with our emotions and how to deal with them in a healthy way is going to be healthier not only for ourselves, but for everyone else in our circle, you know, everyone else become contact with us.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

Yeah, well, and uh, and I mean I think Instagram's a perfect one. There's a difference between like, am I scrolling because this is actually bringing me some enjoyment? And then, like, also when, you know, trying to decide when is too long. I know if hours are passing by which I'm guilty of this, that's too fucking long, right? Um I using my phone to escape because I feel uncomfortable being around other people, which I know sometimes I can also be guilty of that. Where, you know, maybe practicing at home, being comfortable in your own space, in your own connection. Um, and then, you know, out in the wild, sometimes it is nice just to people watch and observe. And sometimes I just want to disconnect and not fucking like have anyone approach me. So I'll be on my phone just to like signal, don't talk to me.

SPEAKER_01 41:56

You know, I've I've been doing this lately. Um, you know, just kind of observing how many people, if I'm at a coffee shop or wherever I am, you know, how many people just sit down, even if they're together, they both just sit down and just instantly take out their phones. I'm like, how just what that glitches my brain. Yeah. But um, yeah, but just I I do like to do that. I like to people watch and just be like, oh my gosh, she's got such cute shoes, and oh my god, what a cute baby, or you know, whatever, whatever, you know, just there's always something to look at and be fascinated with and connect with with people, even if I'm never talking to them, right?

SPEAKER_00 42:28

So yeah, well, yeah, and looking at that and taking it full circle back to like the spiraling, the chaos, like what does that show us, right? What are your final thoughts on all of this? Your final, your if you had words of wisdom to give.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

My words of wisdom about spiraling. Um, it's okay when you spiral, you know, and when you catch yourself is the per that the moment of time that you catch yourself is the perfect moment. And you know that you can, it's it's another opportunity to self-soothe and um just really allow yourself that grace to have these emotions.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

And yeah, just and I think again, I think the spiraling, the you know, fucking not dealing well with chaos, going around, getting angry, all of that is fine. The projecting it outwards and taking your emotions out on every on others or hurting things or physically harming stuff, not okay. So it's your job to be able to identify when those big emotions show up. How are you gonna deal with it? And and if you didn't deal with it in a great way, how are you gonna deal with it different next time in a better way? And repair, and repair would be yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

For yourself and for others. I'm sorry you felt that way. Classic apology, right? I'm sorry I pissed you off, but you were so dumb. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:50

Better apology than but with that, you know, thank you so much for joining us. And if you liked this episode, please leave a comment or a