Being Related Doesn't Mean You're Family

Family relationships can be some of the most meaningful—and most complicated—connections we experience. In this episode of Unhinged: The Intuitive Weirdos, Jane and Keri explore what happens when family dynamics leave us feeling unseen, excluded, misunderstood, or pressured to become someone we're not.

Together, they discuss the difference between belonging and fitting in, the emotional toll of constantly seeking acceptance, and how family roles, expectations, and unresolved wounds can shape our lives long into adulthood. Through personal stories, candid reflections, and a healthy dose of humor, they examine when boundaries may strengthen a relationship, when distance may be necessary, and why letting go doesn't have to come from anger.

The conversation also explores found family, ancestral healing, emotional triggers, self-worth, and the liberating realization that love and connection are not limited to blood relatives. Ultimately, this episode is a reminder that your value is not determined by anyone's approval—and that sometimes the greatest act of self-love is choosing peace over belonging where you were never fully accepted.

Key Themes:

• Family dynamics and emotional triggers
• The difference between belonging and fitting in
• Healthy boundaries versus cutting ties
• Found family and chosen community
• Healing generational patterns
• Self-worth, acceptance, and authenticity
• Releasing relationships without resentment

If you've ever felt like the outsider in your own family, this episode offers validation, perspective, and permission to stop shrinking yourself for acceptance.

💫 Email us at theunhingedintuitives@gmail.com for questions, comments, or topic requests, we would love to hear from you!

🌿 Work with Jane-Marie: www.transformativehealings.com

✨ Follow, rate, and share if this resonated.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

How do you know when a family relationship needs a stronger boundary and when it may be time to let go? I'm Carrie. And I'm Jane. Welcome to Unhinged, The Intuitive Weirdos, the podcast for people doing the inner work while still very much being human.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Here we will explore deep topics that encourage our growth and mental health. No gurus, no dogma, just navigating through life's asteroids while trying not to spill your coffee on your morning commute. Just exploring with curiosity where we fit into the whole cosmic puzzle.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

So today we're going to be just kind of exploring those familial ties and how we navigate them, where we can foster healthy boundaries, and maybe when it's time to fully release a relationship for now. So starting off, we'll do the card pull and I have a little channeled message. So Carrie, would you like to start? Thing.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Okay, so I have um I've got um the Wild Woman Rising deck by Angie Solens, the Oracle deck. And my question for the universe today was what do people who are at the crossroads of uh you know finding out their place in their family and they are considering making a shift and you know, not you know, connecting so much with their family and being part of that drama, what do they need to know in this regard? And I got two different cards fell out. So um the first one was champion peace, and the second one was gather your tribe. And the champion peace, I love this. Your mind is a temple where peace yearns to be worshipped. It's easy, easy to respond to war with war, especially within ourselves. One judgmental thought leads to another, and soon your mind is a battle zone. But peace and war cannot rule simultaneously. You get to choose who will rule the mind's temple. Right now, you are being invited to become an advocate of peace. When we choose love over fear and peace over war, wild woman rises, which I absolutely love, right? Because there's so much pre peace when you're not involved in that drama, right? And the second part, gather your tribe. They say your vibe attracts your tribe, and nothing brings them more to you, nothing brings them to you more swiftly than when you're willing to be clear about who you are and what you want. No more people pleasing to make others happy. If you have to contort and compromise, they're not your people. When we allow and attract versus contort and demand, we gather the lost pieces of ourselves together and wild woman rises.

unknown 2:31

Bam!

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Fucking love that. Also, I love wild women. As you know, that's like incorporated partially into my like uh my little thingamabobber that goes on the car and identifies the car, and I can't think of that word right now. License plate. License plate fictionary. Um, but I also really like the war and peace show, like we get to choose. You do, especially where I am in my life right now, is navigating tough shit, but choosing to remain calm, centered, and neutral instead of losing myself into like, even though at times it can feel like I'm battling, but I don't have to like succumb to that like battle mentality where I'm trying to just like fucking thrive at all expense. I can handle business in a peace and calm way and still get my shit handled.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

You know, one of the biggest analogies that I that I keep thinking about is everybody, you know, like rivers flow downstream, right? And if you're floating along, you know, you can just float along and go along peacefully, right? Or you can swim upstream and fight and fight and fight against the natural order of things until you're exhausted, and then you're gonna end up floating downstream, anyways. So why not just float downstream because that's where you're gonna end up naturally, instead of like having to fight and exhaust yourself for a river that's not gonna change its direction. Like what the fucking love that like just be easy about, like let them go. Like let idiots be idiots, let you know, drama people be drama people. Let like you're not gonna be able to change them, and you're not ever gonna be able to convince them that your way is the correct way, that you are correct and whatever, whatever, that you feel this way, like they're not going to grasp that. They it's it's not possible. And it's very painful because you know, oftentimes you grow up with these people. They're your family, they're very close to you, or whatever it is. And you know, you're you have certain expectations that this relationship is supposed to look like this. Well, guess what? Unmet expectations is the root of all butthurt. And I will, you know, that's I will say that until I am not breathing anymore. Like, you know, you expect it because it's such a close knit, you know, type of thing. But it's it's not like that. It's it's, you know, if you're finding that these, that these people, that these family members are truly not healthy, and I'm not talking about you disagree with them, so then you're now you're gonna ghost them. Like, that's completely different. That's that's avoiding what's you know, what the issues are, but I'm talking more about like it truly is a dynamic where you are over and over and over again just overextending, bending over backwards, making yourself small, all of these things to just really squeeze yourself into this tiny little box that feels very uncomfortable for you, but you know that you have to do it in order to keep the peace. Like that's that's the kind of shit that I'm talking about. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Or if you're constantly like feeling like you're jumping up and down, waving your arm, like, I'm here, I'm here, I'm a part of you guys. Like at a certain point, why do you keep doing that? Yeah, I did that for so long. And and you do have a choice, you can continue to try to swim upstream and get fucking exhausted and make very little to no forward movement, or you can turn around, lay on your black, enjoy the view, and see if there's different perspective out there to navigate through the same shit that you're already going through. Same shit.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Because you're in the river anyway, so you may as well just like make the best of it, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Yeah. Okay, so for mine, I think I'm kind of liking this, like sticking with the channeling of the messages. Um, so I did another channeling message, and I simply asked, what is the purpose of familial connections during our time on earth? And how should we view the obligation to foster these relationships? And the response I got was this comes down to an individual connection and their ties to family. You enter this space knowing the experience you want and who you want to become, even if you do not remember it on a conscious level. It is through the lived experience that these connections are formed. That does not mean that you are obligated to continue if these relationships have run their course. However, no matter how far gone a familial tie may feel, that does not mean that severing the relationship is the only way. You will go through ebbs and flows for all connections. When it comes to family, it is just an amplified experience, meaning you will feel these connections stronger than chosen connections. The lessons learned from the familial ties, however, are deeper lessons, should you choose to stay with them. There are times when severing ties is the healthiest way. We are not saying that you should keep these relationships no matter what. However, the bigger experience is how do you respond? Do you react in fear or anger? And how do these relationships make you feel? There is nothing keeping you in any type of relationship that does not help you grow in a healthy way. This is a time to reflect on what you bring to the relationship, how you can change, and if it's time to go, do so with very little attachment. Walking away is better than burning bridges. It's okay to find happiness in those who you choose. Sometimes the familial connection is about strengthening self-love and seeing that the source of love comes from within. Damn. I know. Well, and okay, so what I also fucking love, sorry, I know I'm cutting you off right now, but you and I totally came up with our questions independently. And I also love how there was that kind of common thread of like the war piece and like not needing to fucking like just do so with detachment, neutrality.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Yeah, you know, and that's it's one of the hardest things for me was really catching myself when I was being reactive, right? And it's like it just feels so familiar, you know, because I've had the same reaction to the same thing every single time. And it's like, oh, wait, oh shit, you know, so at a when you really start consciously working on this, you can recognize when you're starting to head down that road. And it's like I often could not catch myself when I was in the middle of like, oh my God, I'm triggered, but I can't do anything about it. Fuck, you know, but the more, but I mean that to me, that's improvement because I was aware of my thought. I'm aware that I'm actually being triggered and I'm reactive. And this is the same thing that gets my fucking blood boiling every single time, right? Like, yeah, so for me, that was like a huge step is being able to at least recognize that. Because once you recognize it, you know, okay, well, maybe I'm instead of being mad for you know four hours, maybe now I'm only mad for three hours, you know, and so that's improvement, right? Yeah, and little by little, the more you keep chipping away at that, the more you it becomes it becomes faster and easier for you to be able to recognize when you're being triggered and when all of these things are are happening to you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

And I I really think that's like the biggest moment is when you can recognize in the moment that you're having those reactions. It doesn't mean that you're not feeling anger, but whatever. It just means how long does it take you to catch on to your own shit? And one of the ways, like, especially in the past couple of weeks, like I've been catching myself is when I identify I am fucking getting aggro. I've picked up the phone call and I've called you, right? Like, so instead of engaging, let's talk you off the ledge. Yeah, just let me vent all this fucking shit out so that I can just let it go. And like, how does my regulated self want to respond to this instead of my deregulate, like dysregulated self want to react?

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Yeah, because you can't always go around punching a bitch in the face, no matter how much you want to, you can, but you gotta be prepared to you know handle the legal consequences of that.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

So, you know, that yeah fun example, and oh, some people just deserve a good throat punch, but yeah, for sure. Unfortunately, that is just simply not the world we live in, unless you don't mind living with consequences or behind bars, right? Exactly. Just follow enough rules to stand the legal side of things, right? Yeah, yeah, but punching bag, I guess, and you can put up faces if you really need to.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Right, exactly. Print out a photo or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Oh man, I got something. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

I also kind of wanted to just jump into like, okay, now going into the broader thing, I think I also that part where you know the family ties can be like the strongest emotions evoked. Yeah, I think that makes sense because we tend to be around those people the most. And I think like for me, one of the biggest things that I'm still, you know, navigating through is how do I or not try to fit into a family that I don't feel connected to? Um and how how do I, you know, I know I talk about the battle ropes a lot when I I think of that little wave like when you're sending out anger, but in the opposite connection, how do I release the rope from familial ties that I don't think are healthy for me, but not in a hurtful way? Like, how do you how do you address that? And when is it time to look within and consider it's time to move on?

SPEAKER_01 12:07

First off, who says you have to fit into a family that is causing you distress and causing you to be small and making yourself small and uncomfortable? And it's like, all right, well, everybody knows to tiptoe around, you know, auntie, whatever, before she blows her stack, you know, at fucking Thanksgiving or whatever, right? It's like, who says you have to fit into that? Like, isn't it so much more comfortable and amazing and free and such a beautiful example for everyone else in your circle, even those, you know, family members that that may, you know, ostracize you because of this, to step out of that and to be your true self and to, you know, do the things that that you, you know, that that make you happy without making yourself small or um having to tiptoe on or walk around and walk on eggshells or anything like that around people that you know that that need you to be walking on eggshells and in this tiny little box in order for you to gain acceptance from them. Like I don't want to be around anybody who is going to ask that of me. Right? Like I don't I don't want that and I'm not going to do that. And that's that, you know? And it really is because the like you said, the those connections are so close. Like maybe those are siblings, or maybe it's your parents, or whatever it is, right? Um those those are close connections, and you've known them your entire life and the whole thing, and you've you've bonded and you know each other, but you know, your brother just happens to say that one fucking thing that torques you every single time. You know, it's like you don't you don't have to play along anymore. You don't have to play. Whether he's joking or teasing or he's just doing it maliciously or whatever his deal is, it doesn't matter, right? It doesn't matter who it is that's doing that. That's that's how they are. And being able to see them for how they are and allowing them to be who they are, and knowing where, you know, what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable, that's that's a very easy thing, I think, to to know. Because anytime you find yourself, oh God, we all have to go to mom's tonight for dinner, or oh my God, my brother is calling me. Uh, you know, it's like when you're having those feelings, there's something askew. There's something, there's some kind of misalignment, you know, for for that type of thing, right? And that's I think that's the thing to be to examine, you know. It's like, okay, well, I love her so much, but how can she always say this or brings up this or whatever, whatever? It's like, what do you what do you choose? It's a very, you know, you you've got to choose what keeps you in the state of full freedom and self-expression and and joy.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

So it's funny because as you talk about that, I like simultaneously see several different parts of my life. So growing up, we were always with the maternal side. And, you know, it was a decent sized family, three siblings, you know, everyone had a couple kids or more, or actually, just our family had more. Um, and we would have to go for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas. And I cannot tell you the amount of times that I dreaded going. Like, you know, we'd have to drive up to Orange County an hour and a half each way, three hours depending on traffic. And then when we got there, it was this forced experience where no one really loved to hang out. Um, and inevitably, some type of family fight would typically like occur, right? Oh, that's fun. Yeah, and then we had to pretend like we liked these people, but there wasn't much love experienced. And then um, you know, as we got older, there was some family bullshit, and like that side of the family's connections kind of dissolved from one another for um like many reasons, and some of it, some of it was justified, um, and some of it was just pure like these people are not a good fit for one another, even if they are blood relation. And then I thought about the walking on eggshells because I've been on both sides of that. I've been the one where I had so much anger in my teens and 20s that I know my family was walking on eggshells around me because I was constantly pissed and just ready for a fight. Right when I got older, and especially after I became a mom, I kind of realized where I was ready for a fight and why people were always walking on eggshells around me for a period of time was because I had a lot of unprocessed anger that was really hiding the sadness of this weird family dynamics and kind of being the black sheet of the family, right? So you have like those. Um, and then later in life, we started hanging out with the paternal side of the family. Um, and even there, it had its own dynamics, you know, and it's the Hispanic side of the family. So, you know, sometimes 60, 70, hundreds of people, um, and still having just this artificial tie and this artificial feeling of belonging, um, where you walk away just feeling like I know these people are family, but like I don't I don't feel genuine love. And so how much of that is me and how much of that is like a general, general disconnect.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Right. Yeah, you know, that's tricky too, you know, because you know, I grew up kind of the same with um holidays for show, right? And it's like I have never seen my parents so stressed out as they were during the holidays, like everything had to be perfect, the lights and the tree and the meal and the this and the that and the whatever, whatever, and like, you know, you have to dress this way and you have to whatever, whatever, you know, and it's just like I'm this isn't fun. Like nobody's happy. Like, why are we doing this? Like it doesn't, it just doesn't make sense, you know. And I had heard somewhere sometime, um, something along the lines of um, yeah, traditions are just habits by you know, created by dead people that you just go along with. And I'm like, oh shit. It's like I don't have to do that anymore, you know? And you know, being a black sheep does not help also, right? Um, it's it's a little bit more glaring your differences, you know, when you can see everybody else who's so very willing to fit into this tiny little box, and they will all sit there in this tiny little box, and I'm trying to squeeze into this tiny little box with 10 other people, 15 other people, 20 other people. There's a breathing room. You literally, like you just you can't. And it's it fucking sucks because it's like I have to behave this way. And okay, well, you better not ask any questions, you better keep your mouth shut, you better not be loud, you better not all of these things. It's like I was, you know, trained to be small and tiny and you know, don't say anything, don't ask questions, don't, you know, whatever, whatever. You know, and it's like I don't want to do any of that kind of stuff because I really love being self-expressed and free and talking and laughing and and doing all this shit, you know? And it's like, you're asking me to not be me. Like that just sucks. I just want to be who I am. And like, if if why is me being me so awful and so wrong that it has to be suppressed and put a lid on it and just, you know, sit down, shut up, you know, type of thing. Like, what's so wrong about me being me? That's so offensive to the rest of you fuckers that you can't stand to have me be me.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

I you know, I wonder, is some of it because in us being ourselves does it unintentionally make others feel bad? I think so. Absolutely. Or is it also like as I've gotten older, it's really hard for me to pretend like to go along with the bullshit? No, I'm not gonna spend fake holidays with people because what's the point? I'm not going to get last-minute invites that are an afterthought and not call it out. I'm I'm not going to I'm not going to just sit there and pretend that I feel comfortable in situations when I don't, family or not. Right. Yeah. And I think that's where it lies. But also, like, I don't know, this is my experience. I know there has been times where I've been fucking annoyed and I've been hurt, but like, what if those same Christmas experiences for my other cousins, like growing up, what if those were like the highlights of their youth? I doubt it, considering like none of us talk to each other anymore. But like, oh, what if, what if that was these amazing times for them?

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Well, exactly. And that's the whole thing. It's like you can't, you don't want to take that away from anybody either, right? Like, there were certainly like I had my in my own little world, you know, on planet Carrie, like there were certainly plenty of little good times about this and that, whatever. But it's like the majority of the time, whenever, you know, this situation was presented, uh, just a big holiday thing, especially if it was, you know, some kind of religious thing, Easter or Christmas, you know, that type of thing, was just misery. You know, it's like, yeah, there were cute little toys and this and that and whatever, and all this kind of good stuff. But it's like, that didn't, that's I didn't give a shit. Like, could we just not be miserable? Like, I was miserable enough growing up. Like, I don't need compounded by a fucking holiday, right? You know, yeah. So yeah, you know, but it's like I I do know, yeah, like some of my cousins and stuff like that, they did have very lovely Christmases and all that kind of good stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

So yeah. Well, and I also wonder like, okay, what's at the core of that, right? Like, if is it I keep going back to like unconditional love because I have seen I have seen friends who have grown up and they have come from dysfunctional families, but then they have children and their children like unconditionally love one another, and they're all there is like a very strong family unit. So they didn't come from something that they were patterning off of. I don't, and I don't think those strong family ties are connected or like are made without intention, right? Like so for us, when I come to my sister relationships, I think there was a lot of competition placed upon us, and love was earned in many ways. And I think that causes its own issues. And then when it comes to my other cousins, like I actually just started reconnecting with one of my cousins, and she lives um halfway across the world. And actually, I need to connect with her more because I was really short with my responses and I didn't mean to, I just didn't have time to respond. Um, but there's also like these age gaps, right? So like I didn't get to know most of my cousins on the maternal side because I was quite a bit older um growing up, so we just kind of never formed those connections, and those aren't necessarily like out of ill will. Um it's you know, more so just that connection was never there. But is that like how does that connection form? Is it because of the family unit? Or like that's what I also don't understand. How, how, because there are some families that have like 80, 100 family union like reunions and they actually genuinely love spending time and they can call out the bullshit and they aren't just pretending.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

You know, I wonder about that too, about like quote, normal families, you know, but then what is normal? It's a setting on your fucking washing machine, right? Like, you know, you know, and it's like I really think that if you, you know, that there are so many people who grow up with at least some level of dysfunction, right? Like I would think that there is, you know, because somebody's always got some kind of something, even if you don't think so. You know, it's like, oh yeah, well, you know, you're you're always repeating, oh yeah, well, you know, my brother stole this from me when I was a kid and I never got over it, type of thing, or just you know, just like little family stories that kind of get passed on. Like there's a little grain of hurt in there somewhere, but it's like, I do think it's possible, yeah, very certainly, that um there are plenty of families who do have these wonderful, nurturing, healthy, fantastic relationships where everybody does go to the family reunion and there's a hundred people there. Like, I think that's amazing, you know. So I don't know. I haven't been to one, so I don't know. I don't know if there's drama. I'm sure there's drama and then there's peace, and then there's all sorts of ranges of everything everywhere, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:42

That well, and is the grass always greener on the other side? I don't have that family, you know, 100 people uh reunions annually, so I don't know. And I don't have that like family welcoming we with open arms. So I am only assuming from what I don't have that there has to be different, but I am sure there are family, you know, dysfunction even in the most healthiest of family connections. And I can't say it's a hundred percent on like the family unit and hundred percent unconditional love given, because you know, you also can't take away from how an individual responds and and how that dynamics work out through a family.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Um yeah, you know, because take a look at like when you study twins, for example, right? It's like the famous story on that is like um raised by alcoholic parents. And so one twin ends up being an alcoholic, and then the other twin is the complete opposite, right? And you know, you talk to one twin, the alcoholic, and they say, Oh, well, that's that's what I was taught, so that's that's how I am. And then you talk to the other one and they say, Yeah, that's how I was taught, so that's how I am, right? So it's like they both take something completely away, like they had the same circumstances, but you know, they they each took something so different from it and altered their life based on the input that they had growing up, right? Yeah, so yeah, you just with the variation of personalities that are out there and just the myriad of circumstances that can happen in a family dynamic, there's a lot of moving parts, you know.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

There are, and you know, to that point too, I also I know I'm focusing kind of on the negative stuff, but I also think that first of all, as cliche as it is, like family doesn't have to be blood, and then the older I get, a hundred percent chosen family is oftentimes more fun to be around. Um also like you know, there is there is also this like really exciting connection to family, extended family, like that I have been exploring. Um, you know, over the past year, one of my cousins who is actually my father's cousin but closer in age to me, I've started getting really close with her and her sister-in-law, so my cousin-in-law, and um, and just you know, building this new relationship with someone who technically is family, but I wasn't raised. Um, and something that I love that she's said to me so many times is you're still a fajardo, like you're always loved, you're always included. And I do sometimes see that love being poured through, and it is strengthened, I think, just because we do have this ancestry that that literally runs through our blood. Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Yeah. You know, and that's that's a really good point too. You know, it's like recently, well, I mean, for a while now, my cousin and I, um, our moms were sisters. Um, we, you know, we were close growing up, and then you know, we had some time apart during, you know, whatever when we were growing, you know, like early adulthood, um, and then have reconnected, you know, on a really grand scale over like the last, I don't know, 10 years or so at least. And um, it's been fascinating to um explore our lineage and heal all those things together because the two of us were pretty much the same age, and you know, we've got the same background, the same lineage, the same blood, and being able to go back and really um power through all that ancestral DNA has been so super helpful in clearing all sorts of stuff for the both of us. So yeah, I think it's really amazing to like double duty, you know, that type of shit.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

Because, you know, we've been discussing the human aspect of relationships, but what you're talking about is healing on a spiritual level, right? So going back and healing your own lineage and like what it heals behind you also then heals forward to your kids and their kids. So that work is also important. And I do think it's like a little extra special when you're doing it with family. So what's interesting is like this family member that I was talking about, we started connecting um because I started reading this book and I started this little book club called um, it was it was based around ancestor veneration. And I invited her, she invited her sister-in-law and my sister-in-law's daughter, who's also my cousin, but I forget how much we're moved. But anyways, so the four of us, and then I had my honorary friend who is like family, the chosen family, and she joined us. So it was the the five of us, and what was so much fun is I had this connection to the Fajardo side that I didn't grow up with, and then I also had you know the chosen family that joined this group, and it really brought all of us together, the five of us, and it really strengthened that bond. Um, and it and it did help to be able to go through the skeletons together in the family closet that a lot of family has chosen to completely ignore, and we addressed head-on, you know, alcoholism, um, molesters, like shit that's not pretty, that a lot of people want to pretend don't exist, but unfortunately, they're in many family lineages, and just to be able to discuss and heal those things was very comforting, and it does heal on the human aspect and the spiritual aspect at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 30:19

It does, it does, you know, and then like we were talking the other day, right? It's like sometimes you run across, you know, this realization that oh my god, I have been sitting in the same communal shit diaper as everyone else, right? Yeah, and it's I don't like it, you know, and you were touching on it a little bit earlier. And one thing I was gonna say is like the people that are offended by us being ourselves, right? Um, some and then I've had this happen to me as well, right? Um, either they are a spotlight, you know, highlighting my shadows of the shit that I'm not prepared to look at or don't want to, or I've been like really, I've been stuffing that down so far and so hard, there's no way I'm gonna look at that shit, right? Either that or they are a mirror, right? Like you're mirroring, they are mirroring, mirroring um the energy that you put out. And it's like if I go and I'm an ass, you know, and somebody else is an ass back to me, it's like, well, duh, they're just giving me exactly what I'm putting out, and that's the only reason that they're there, right? Is to show me what a douchebag I'm doing, I'm being, right?

SPEAKER_00 31:22

But yeah, and I think being open to you're the fucking common denominator, like it's me, I have the problem, it's me. That's that's a part of this, right? Is like when when do we have to own up our own to our own shit, or when can we just fucking walk away? Like, like I was telling you, I mean, so you know, part of the reason why I called you this weekend, I was butt sore because I found out that a family member had a big party and like 80 to 100 people looked like we're there, everyone was posting, and I was like, You bitches didn't invite me. And I don't know why I got so fucking butt sore, but it was just that like repeated story of like, I'm not included in this family, even though I guess on the one hand, like who says just because I'm fucking family that I should get an invite, however, bitches when you're handing them out so freely to everyone else and you just like oh, not you, yeah, skip right over. Yeah, that's a little hard not to get offended. Right other family members from San Diego were invited. Um, but you know, and then just sitting there and deciding, like, okay, what does that mean for me? Well, what that means for me is I see where we stand, and I no longer care to fucking for now, maybe forever, fucking try to foster a relationship that clearly isn't there, family or not. And I will say something, but I'm not gonna sit there and be fucking mean about it, and I'm not gonna let this destroy me. It's more so I'm just no longer waving my hand to be included and to be a part of that family. It's okay to say, hey, wish you well and leave.

SPEAKER_01 33:06

That's the most mature way to go about that, you know. And it's like I've been on that side of the fence too, right? Like, you know, feeling like I'm outside barefoot in the snow with my nose pressed up against the glass, watching everybody have like this beautiful, you know, feast next to the fire and all this cozy conversation and connection and all that other kind of shit. But it turns out that that's not actually the situation. It's like they're not having a cozy feast. They are themselves sitting in their own family shit diaper, right? And it's like, why am I working so fucking hard to insert myself into the family shit diaper? Like it's a kiddie pool full of like sewer. Like, why do I want that? Like, that's not it's not helping me. Um, and and it's again, I'm trying to put myself into this little box for people that maybe didn't even extend an invitation to come in the box, right? Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I'm just not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

So yeah. And obviously, it wasn't just this, right? Like it touched back and added on to other times where right, you know, I didn't feel like my kid was like, you know, accepted, or we had weird invites or last in-minute invites, or like kind of invited, but like we're doing a whole group campsite, and you can get the cramp site, like you know, over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Weird additional. Invited, but not yeah. And so it's like, why I don't understand why that exists, and I don't think it's necessarily something that I want to fight for, family or not. Like, if it were friends, I would totally have been a long time ago, like, all right, we're not a good fit. Yeah, and for this one, I think the realization just hit me of oh, okay, so we don't have a connection other than it was just blood. But like clearly, if there's no appreciation in spending time or effort, then what's the point of trying to force something that's not working?

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Because you're trying to fill a hole, right? Like you're you're not accepting your own self-worth, right? Yeah, you're not accepting you like you're trying to squeeze blood from a stone, you're trying to squeeze affection and love and connection out of people who are not interested, not capable, um, not willing, right? Whatever it is, like whatever the reasons are, you know, maybe whatever. It doesn't matter what their reasons are, right? And but if they're if you're the one putting out all the effort and they're just like giving you a little trickle here and there or whatever, and it's not like again, not transactional, but you know, there's there there is, you know, an equal exchange that is to be expected to a degree, right? Of like, I care for you 100%. Why would I give a hundred percent of myself to you when you're you know, it's like giving yourself, you know, 100% of affection to like a brick, right? Like that's brick is just not going to be able to love you back. Like it's just not capable, right? So yeah, just it's not, yeah, I'm worth it. I'm worth more than that. And it all for me, it all comes down to I know my value, I know my worth, and I know that my found family, um, for the you know, a lot of my found family, because I do, I still am very close with with some members of my blood family, right? Um, but you know, my found family, and I have that. I have the connection that that echoes and reflects my value, right? That echoes, you know, how I feel about myself. I have the love and the the friendships and these types of closeness, um, closenesses from all of these people that um that reflect that, my my different way of thinking from that, where I can be free, where I can be self-expressed, where I can just like say off the wall shit and nobody's gonna be like, put element on it. Oh my god, put your hands down while you're talking. What are you? You're not Italian, but you know, fuck you. I'll do what I want, you know? As long as I'm not learning, harming people, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Tone it down a bit. Yeah, you're so needy, yeah. And I'm like, no, you're just fucking emotionally lazy. That's what it is, and I'm not.

SPEAKER_00 37:10

So little fitness. And I think it's also so it's kind of twofold. It's accepting that we're not a good fit. I am too emotional for you guys if you can't accept me this way. I am XYZ, and I can't force you guys to change and see me differently. Sometimes the only option is I can draw clear boundaries, and if those clear boundaries don't work, or I can try to address something head on, but if I don't feel like it's a real conversation, I do have the choice to walk away. And and also what I love though, too, is that point of the found family is realizing like just because we're not necessarily connected or feel included in our blood family doesn't mean that we're not lovable and that right, yes, that lovable piece, because I think some people could easily be like, Oh, I'm a piece of shit. I don't I don't fit into my own family, so therefore I must not be lovable. I don't think that's necessarily it either. It's just sometimes we have to find the found family to feel that love, or to have that exposed to us, you know, to pull that lid off.

SPEAKER_01 38:22

Yeah, right. It's like, oh shit, I don't need to squeeze myself into this box. I don't need like again, why am I fighting so hard to be loved by people who are not interested? Or or what is it saying? Um, committed to misunderstanding me. Yeah. Or only connect uh only accepting me on uh conditions, right, or when they want something or some kind of what I can do for them type of type of good stuff. Yeah. Because they know that I'm gonna be, you know, helpful or friendly or whatever, whatever they they want, you know. But it's like, yeah, you know, I don't see anything wrong with like limiting time. Like you don't need to cut these people off forever, I don't think, you know, unless you really, unless it's really egregious, right? Um, you know, but it's perfectly healthy to limit your time, right? With and limit your exposure to to people who, you know, again, who are committed to keeping that that drama, keeping that committing that committed to that drama.

SPEAKER_00 39:20

For me, I say it kind of both ways. Um, I definitely sent a message of like, hey, I see I wasn't invited, message received, and then like I blocked them because I don't want communication right now. However, in doing that, on the flip side, we had family after my grandma passed that basically said, don't contact us, we don't want to talk to you right now. And when they did that, I was like, Yeah, and I don't think for right now, I think for forever. Like, I'm kind of sick, you're bullshit, and I don't care to try or connect again. So I am also very aware that in me being like, hey, I'm butt sore and I don't want to talk to you guys, they may also have their own opinion of like, yeah, you're kind of fucking annoying and you are good riddance, right? And that's their choice, right? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe that's the way I view it. And and I again, I know I am much more absolute in the way that I handle connections at times, like when they no longer serve me, I I try not to do it with the fuck you energy, but I have no problem being like, and I'm done. Seen and seen, right?

SPEAKER_01 40:38

Well, you know what? I'm I'm kind of like that. Like, I I have a really long fuse, a really long fuse. Yet the Virgo in me is always going to be like, and I don't, I try, I don't do this deliberately. It just kind of like happens, right? It's like, okay, well, I noticed this, you said this, and then you behave like this, and then you said this, but then you acted like this. And you know, it's not, I'm not like deliberately trying to keep score, but it's like I notice all these little things that don't add up to what you're telling me, right? And it's like your behavior is always going to, you know, is uh is always gonna be better proof of how you truly are than whatever fluff or words you you tell me, right? And it's like when I finally get to the point where I've exhausted all possibilities and I've let you run to not let you run to the underleash, but like, you know, when when I've when I feel like I've seen enough of whatever, you know, whoever's personality to know that this is not a fit for me, then I have no, you know, and I've taken enough steps or every step that I can possibly take in order to repair this relationship wanted, then I have no problem making an end to that because it's it does end up being one-sided for me, you know. Um and and and I don't I don't want that. That's that's not a healthy thing for me. So I have no problem for that. But in the meantime, I'm doing everything that I can in order to repair, reflect, discuss, accept my responsibility, all these types of things to try to repair anything. And if that's falling on deaf ears, then I can't, there's nothing I could do about that.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Well, and I think the repairing part though, that has to come from families that can communicate healthy or just communicate, period, because yeah, and are interested. That because on both sides of the family, I know the dynamics, like there is not really any healthy conflict. There's a lot of people that just avoid conflict. And our family is very like, we're just like fucking in your face, we're gonna call you out. But that also doesn't um that also doesn't work through communication-wise because there's very little ownership in, yeah, I fucking I take ownership in this part. It's more like you're bitch, I'm gonna tell you why you're fucking bitch and you're gonna listen to me, which that doesn't resolve anything, right? Just as much as ignoring the issue and pretending like there's no problem doesn't address shit.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

Right. And then even just a simple, you know, uh an apology after a blow up is also not repair. No, right, yeah, and then when you get that over and over again and you just it's it's not repair because there's no like, hey, I I need to accept responsibility for this, and this is how I feel, and I really should have framed this differently and I should have approached this differently, type of thing.

SPEAKER_00 43:11

Right. Yeah, or there's that, you know, and I'm guilty of this too. I've totally done this to my sisters when I'm like fucking annoyed. Like, I'm sorry hurt your feelings, right?

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Like that's a golden nugget. Yeah, I'm sorry you're so butthurt about the things that I maliciously stabbed you with. Yeah. I'm sorry you're such a little whiny. Sorry, I murdered you.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

Get over it. But I do think that communication, like that is a part of healthy relationships, family and not, is like learning how to um respect boundaries, draw boundaries, and actually listen, not for needing to be right, but for making the other person feel heard. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

Oh yeah, so and I know no and I think final words on this one.

SPEAKER_00 44:04

Well, yeah, I think overall the biggest difference in like most of this conversation that we've had is when it comes to family, there is a difference between belonging and fitting in. And that like fitting in piece requires us changing and trying to mold and fit into a tiny little box, or the belonging, which requires us to be ourselves. And sometimes the belonging piece is the part that's not always going to happen in our blood families. And we might have to just look for that in our found families.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

You know what? Birds of a feather, right? Like your family, your people that that surrounds you, um, family or friends or found family or whatever, however you want to call it, um, they do reflect your your inner thoughts, your feelings, and all that kind of good stuff, right? So yeah, the more you the more you delve into this type of stuff, the the more we grow, the closer your your new connections are gonna be, you know, or even your own connections.

SPEAKER_00 45:02

Stop seeking validation from people who clearly are not understanding us. Yeah. It's validation isn't needed, it's that self-love piece again. Like fucking build yourself up first. Those are my final thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 45:16

Beautiful. Excellent. I love it. Well, so I will say then um, let us stay self aware, stay a little unhinged, and remember that your own self worth and value is not dependent on anyone's approval, especially not even your closest family members.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

So there you go. There you go. Until next time.